That's right! Mattsplosion.com now comes with its own feed so you don't have to sit on the site all day hitting refresh! What's that I hear you say?

But Matt! All of your explosive updates to the site are shown in non-reverse chronological order!

Well that's true. Those eggheads at RSSPECT.com may know how to code, but I guess they have a few things to learn about mattsplode... ing.

Fear not Mattsplosers, all future posts will not appear in non-reverse chronological order. And not only that, but I've come up with a new term for all my fans: You're all Mattsplosers! (note on pronunciation: Make sure to do the o like in explode and not like the o in losers).

Do whatever you can to contain your excitement... For the first time ever I'm posting part of an original Matt Evans screenplay on the site. The opening sequence of the most hotly anticipated movie in the history of cinema: No Rule to Make Target.

Opening Sequence

As a bonus here's some concept art for the movie poster:

Poster (520 x 768)

Poster (694 x 1024)

3 new minisplosions have been added to the site. What's a minisplosion? Lemme put it this way. Let's say your entertainment is represented by a victory in a Cold War dogfight, and the moment you say

Damn Matt! I'm entertained!!

is the moment that the enemy pilot ejects from his fighter. It explodes beneath him and he parachutes to safety - only to be caught by Deltas or a SEAL team, sent back to the US where he's fed real hamburgers, brought to a monster truck rally and showed episodes of Street Hawk until he admits that America is better than Russia. Ok? So in this metaphor the AIM-120 Slammer that took down his MIG is a Mattsplosion. High explosive, high entertainment.

Well let me paint you another picture. The morning of the day of the dogfight the MIG pilot gets up out of bed. He goes to have some breakfast only to find the interior of the cereal cabinet is nothing but charred remains of the Soviet equivalent of Honey Nut Loops. During the night, American agents snook in and took out his breakfast with a small controlled blast. He decides to brush his teeth with the Soviet equivalent of a toothbrush and finds the same story. They took out the brushes, the paste... They even took out the toilet seat but NOT the toilet, as if to say,

Sure, you can still use it, but now you have to sit on the bowl and that's gross!

Eventually, after a day of finding the remnants of tiny explosions all over the base, he calls up the Americans and tells them the dogfights off - He's already been beaten.

That's minisplosions.

Flying. No one really likes it. Anyone who says they do is a liar and probably a thief. Call me old-fashioned, but I think man belongs with his feet firmly on the ground, behind the wheel of Dodge... or an old ambulance. Nothing good has ever happened in an airplane. You think Goose would've died so young if he'd kept his feet on the ground? Of course not, he'd still be kicking - playing beach volleyball with his buddies.

You're probably thinking,

Come on Matt! What about Passenger 57? Always bet on black!

Ha! You forget that the terrorist didn't get Sniped until after the plane landed. Same story with Con Air. Die Hard 2? Colonel Stuart wouldn't have had any hostages if it hadn't been for all those planes up there!

...Ok, so maybe I'm not in the best of moods. But a long flight'll do that to you. Check it out in the blog.

Finally, the circle is complete. The final installment of my adventure into the Heart of Nerdness is up in the blog section. Did Jerry Bruckheimer and I manage to save Natalie Portman and Star Wars from George Lucas? There's only one way to find out.

On a side note, had a few comments about the site last week. I'm at the after party of a Limozeen concert, complementing Perry Palaroncini on how he tore it up during Because It's Midnite. Guess who interrupts me - Joaquin Phoenix.

Joaqs!

I say,

What's up man?

I'll tell you what's up Matt - the f***** nerd count on your blog! Do you realise how important that blog is to a lot of us in the industry? I'm on location so much I get completely out of touch with what's happening in LA. I've only flown in for one night to catch the 'Zeen... Great set Perry.

Hold up Joaqs. What are you telling me?

I'm telling you Matt, that I don't wanna hear about some nerds in some convention in Vegas. Get back to what you do best - reporting on the things that matter in Hollywood.

Of course, I took Joaquin's views on board. I mean, you gotta listen to Joaqs. But I had to disagree. Sure, while I've been telling you all about this Star Wars thing a whole lot has gone on in LA. A whole lot. I mean, the media keeps most of this stuff under raps. You think America could function normally if they new Sean Penn and Keanu Reeves damn near killed each other in a shoot-out on Melrose last month? Hell no! It's too explosive to digest. Nobody'd get any work done if they could read about all of this stuff. It's probably the reason nobody gets any work done in LA. You really think it takes two years to make a movie? Why the hell should it, if the thing only lasts two hours? It's just there's so much going on here all the time.

But A New Soap is a story that had to be told. Star Wars means a lot to people and it fell to me to give the behind-the-scenes report on the new TV show. I do what has to be done.

The second part of the New Soap Trilogy is up in the blog section. A tip for all you novice writers out there - If you're working on a trilogy (and you should be), don't put too much into the second one. All the second part should really say is,

Remember these guys? Yeah, well we're working on the end of their story now. Stay tuned.

You know? A trilogy is really like one big movie. The start's important - you gotta say who everybody is, who's trying to kill them, who are they trying to kill... The end's important too. That's when most of the killing actually happens. But you don't wanna overwork the middle part. Just have the main guys getting their guns together or whatever. A lot of people in the theatre might finish their popcorn at this stage and step out for some milk duds. If you put in something important they'll miss it - and by the time the end comes they'll be asking.

Who's this guy? Is he with them?

Of course, there'll be somebody talking like that no matter what you do. That's why I always try and make the end of the movie as loud as possible. Drown em out. Have a siren going, a lot of gunfire, some explosions. Never a waterfall. Sure, they're loud, but if you've got some guy who's been holding it in since the coming attractions, you're gonna make life real tough for him. Although, if he had any sense he'd have gone in the middle.

Anyway, none of this applies to part two A New Soap. Firstly, I didn't make this up. It's all true. Secondly, it's as explosive as the first installment. If not more.

What's new? Mattsplosion.com that's what's new! I've finally moved up from the dreary surroundings of Blogger.com to my own domain - complete with a slick new design courtesy of my multitalented PA Malamar. And I tell you, Mal suffered for this.

You heard about those exploding Dell notebooks right? Well Mal took one in the face. No joke. I was in the other room, and I hear this weird noise. Remember that sound from Backdraft just before that schmuck got toasted at his front door? Well it was a little like that. Then I hear Mal shouting.

What's going on Mal?

I call in. But he just keeps shouting. I lay down the phone - I'm in the middle of a long distance game of Battleship with Ted Danson. Just blasted his ass with some action on G4. I figure he'll be reeling for the next couple minutes, so I can go in and check on Mal without offending Ted.

I walk in and am shocked to find Mal wrestling with a burning piece of plastic - my notebook!

S*** Mal! Save the hard drive! The only copy of the script for my Soviet-era wrestling epic Iron Turnbuckles is on there!

Both his arms are ablaze and his baseball cap is starting to melt, but Mal's not a quitter. He tears out the flaming battery and launches it out the window.

So there you have it. Thanks to Mal's quick thinking, his high pain threshold and my lightning fast delegation Mattsplosion.com was saved. Unfortunately Iron Turnbuckles was lost... and the burning battery landed on and killed a small dog belonging to the Mexican kid from across the street.

This one's for your Chencho. Those little legs carried you into our hearts, but not out of the path of that defective battery.