10.06.2005

The Irish Connection

A while back I'm out on a date with the hot young Hollywood starlet Sarah Brown. You probably know her as Kaitlin Star in the hit 90's TV show V.R. Troopers. I called her up because she's filming Big Momma's House 2 at the moment. I need to get a hold of Marty Lawrence - I lent him a Segway scooter after his car broke down outside my apartment. He said he'd bring it right back the next day but three weeks later I'm still waiting. I'm sure he's been avoiding me since then. I wouldn't be so bent outta shape about the whole thing if it wasn't for the fact that the scooter actually belongs to my man Dusty (that's Dustin Diamond). He's got an inner ear infection and says he can't ride his Segger until he regains his sense of balance.

So I'm on the phone to Sarah asking her to press Marty about the scooter. She's not too receptive. Marty Lawrence has a reputation for being a little crazy. There's a story that on the set of Bad Boys Joey Pantoliano ate a couple donuts that Marty had his eye on. When Marty finds out, he storms into the middle of a scene between Joey and Big Will, catchs Joey off guard with an inverted atomic drop and then snaps on a figure four leg lock. Joey's screaming cos he thinks he's about to get his leg broken - Big Will tries to calm Marty down but when he sees it's not gonna work he starts kicking him in the head until he breaks the hold. The whole time Mike Bay keeps the cameras running. Rumor has it he's got the footage in his private stash along with the clip of Benny Affleck and Bruce Willis giving Steve Buscemi a wedgie on the set of Armageddon.

Sarah says no. She's intends to stay clear of Marty as much as possible. Clearly I'd have to sweeten the deal to get her on board. I tell her,

Sarah, whatever plans you've got this Saturday cancel them. I'm taking you out. Of course, you'll have help me out with this scooter thing - a small price to pay to be the envy of every woman in Hollywood.

She jumps at the chance to be seen on the arm of the most explosive writer/director/actor in town. If it means taking an atomic drop from Martin Lawrence, so be it.

After dinner I take her to see Wesley Craven's newest picture, Red Eye. I'm a big fan of Wesley's - Halloween, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Urban Legend, Swimfan... hit after hit, and the list just keeps on growing. But this Red Eye movie, man! it just about blew me away. Ten minutes in I knew I wanted a piece of the pie. After half an hour I had the sequel all worked out. I got up, told Sarah to pay attention to whatever happens in the movie, and went out to the lobby to call Wes.

I walk over to the popcorn guy.

Hey buddy, is there a phone here I can use?

He tells me the payphone's out of order, but he'll let me use his cellphone for 5 bucks. I talk him down to 3. Once I get my hands on the phone I ask him if he knows Wesley's number.

Wesley?

he asks.

Wes Craven... the director.

He looks blank.

Damn, kid! His picture's playing in your theatre and you don't even have his number?

I had to think on my feet. I could get Wes on board later. What I really needed was the Irish acting sensation Cillian Murphy. I prayed that when Sarah filled me in later she'd tell me Red Eye hadn't been killed at the end. If he does die we'd be forced to take the Ramirez in Highlander 2 route. I wanted to avoid that if I could.

I dial Cillian's number. You may wonder how come I know Cill's number from memory but not Wesley's. It simple. Cillian is an Irish actor. That means, more likely than not he lives with Gabriel Byrne. His is a handy number to remember. You've gotta understand how Irish actors operate:

Back in the 80's Gabe Byrne arrives in America looking for work. He lands a couple sweet roles and gets enough money together to buy a house in Compton. So he writes back to the Motherland telling everyone how well things are going. Before you know it, Aidan Quinn and Liam Neeson arrive on the next boat. It's been that way ever since. Ever Irish actor who tries to make it in Hollywood starts off in Gabe's place. Some move on, some stay for the duration. Obviously you get that many Irish actors in one place there's gonna be some wild parties, but Gabe has one rule: As much drink as they want, but no drugs. Anyone ever breaks the rule and you can hear Gabe Byrne laying down the law halfway across town:

There's no f***in' coke!

The phone rings. When it's answered I introduce myself as Matt Evans writer/director/actor.

Awree Mah. What's the stowree bud?

It's Colin Farrell. He's always called me "Mah", though I've never been able to work out where the nickname came from.

Colin, good to hear you. Listen, I'm looking for Cillian Murphy. Is he there?

Jaysus Mah, havven seen Murphy in f***in' ages. Wha do ya wan from him?

I tell him I'm working on Red Eye 2: The Reddening.

Ah for f***'s sake Mah, ya don wanna be workin wih a dry s***e like Murphy. I'll do the f***in flick and we'll have a rappeh tyam. You shudda be-an on the seh of Alexander - f***in scoopin every bleedin nigh we were. Anto Hopkins can knockem back like a mad f***in b******, woh!

I wasn't completely sure what he meant, but I think he was saying that he wanted to play the role of Red Eye in the sequel. I needed to put him off the idea.

Colin, I have no doubt that you'd work in this role. You're right for it. But that's exactly the problem: You're too right for it.

I hear a noise coming from the other end.

Colin! I can hear someone. Is that Cillian? Can you put him on?

It's not f***in' Cillian, it's that lanky f*** Neeson. Says he wants to yoowiz the phowin. Clean up the f***in' mess ya made in the kitchen an then ya can yoowiz the phowin ya northy b******!!
I hear a muffled reply from Liam Neeson followed by what sounds like a struggle for the phone. After a minute or so I'm convinced the argument has developed into a fist fight. I wait for things to calm down and for the Colin to pick up the phone again. I keep waiting...

After the sound of punching dies down I expect to hear Colin, who I can hear panting to regain his breath, return to the phone. Instead there's a psssst noise, followed by

Jaysus Liamo, don't be a stingey b******, pass us a can an all.

A second psssst noise, soon followed by laughter. I hang up and give the popcorn kid his phone back.

So I don't have Wes and I don't have Cillian. I'm starting to think Red Eye 2 wasn't meant to be. Disheartened, I return to the screen and rejoin Sarah. Her eyes are fixed on the movie. Good girl.

What are they doing on a plane?

I ask.

Shhhhhh

she replies.

Has he used his Red Eye yet?

What?

She looks at me confused. I shrug. Hadn't she been paying attention? Apparently it was up to me to catch up. For the next 40 minutes or so I was lost. Red Eye wanted the girl to do something but I didn't know what - I couldn't work out why he didn't just use his Red Eye on her. Plus they kept showing these other guys in a hotel or something...

Man Wes, did you blow this one?

I say to myself. I'm starting to feel relieved that I didn't get attached to the sequel after all. Hopefully Colin wouldn't remember our conversation and tell Cillian I called, but somehow I knew that he wouldn't.

For the rest of the film I sat there, so disappointed in Wes. He'd taken a perfectly good idea for a picture and screwed it up. I'll have to wait at least 4 years before going to a studio to pitch a remake.