11.13.2005

Straight 2008 Escape

So on Friday morning we’re rehearsing for the big production of Gladiator I had planned for next week. Of course Terry has taken on Russell Crowe’s role. We worked with him for awhile trying to get down the Roman accent (like the one Russell had in the picture) but it just wouldn’t take. In the end I told him to play it Australian – the important thing was the intensity, not the accent. So he’s in the middle of his speech:

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered biter, husband to a murdered Sheila. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.


I’m about to reply (I’ve taken on Joaquin Phoenix’ role) when Gabriella, the guerrilla leader, bursts into our hut.

Gladiator goes on tonight!


she declares.

What?


I reply,

We can’t go on tonight! We haven’t rehearsed any of the battle scenes, Kurt and Jake still have to learn their lines, and Gary’s had an allergic reaction to the shoe polish he was using to darken up as Djimon Hounsou!

None of this matters! We have a guest tonight: The German arms dealer Dieter Reifsnyder. I’ve promised him a presentation of Gladiator, and I expect it to be performed flawlessly!


There was no reasoning with her. We were going on tonight, and if it wasn’t a knockout performance Dieter Reifsnyder would not be happy. Gabriella made it clear that if Dieter Reifsnyder wasn't happy she wouldn't be happy, and that wouldn't be good for us. We had work to do, and there was no time to lose!

It gets to showtime. In the front row of the audience of guerrilla soldiers we see Dieter - a large bearded man wearing a white suit and hat. Despite our nerves, or maybe because of them, the show was electric. When Gary delivered his line,

I will see you again... but not yet... Not yet.

the audience were in tears. It must've been our best production yet. When Dieter Reifsnyder joined the guerrillas in their standing ovation we knew we'd hit the mark.

After the show we're all resting back in our hut. In walks... Dieter Reifsnyder. We're all speechless - what does a German arms dealer want with a bunch of Hollywood actors trapped in a guerrilla camp in northern Ecuador? Slowly, he removes his hat and then to our amazement he takes off his beard. We're even more speechless than before when his true identity is revealed:

It is I, Guvvenna Ahnald Shvatzenegga.

We all stand up and greet Arnold. He must have come to rescue us! He reaches into his jacket pocket and takes out a handful of cigars which he passes around to myself, Gary, Jake and Terry. He moves to give one to Kurt but is stopped,

No thanks, I don't smoke.

Kurt smiles meekly. The rest of us exchange nervous glances as Arnold eyes the Kurt Russell/Burt Reynolds impersonator critically.

Yuwar Kewrt Rennalds, rite?

Yes... yes sir.

Kewrt. Are yoo drying to make mee luck like sum kinda shmuck?

No sir.

Den smoke the goddam siggah.


Arnold lights us all up and we take a moment to enjoy the cigars. Eventually I have to ask,

Arnold, how did you find us?


He nods, having expected the question, but takes another drag before answering.

I have been travvelling arlound Ecuador fur ova a week, posing as da Gewrman arms dealer Deeta Rifeshnida. Dis is the thewrd geurrilla camp I have visited. It was just a matta of time before I fownd yoo.


I think about his answer for a moment and then ask,

How did you get away from the other two guerrilla camps without selling them weapons?

Arnold smiles.

Yoo know wat my advizas always dell mee Matt?... If yoo feel like yuwar about to lie, den don't say anyting at all.


He returns to his cigar without adding anything more. Gary is the next to speak,

Thanks for the stogies Arnold, but do you have a plan to get us outta here or what?

Ya, I doo havva plan. My plan is strate too thowsand ate.


We all look puzzled, Arnold quickly picks up on this.

Ah, I furget how long yoo all hav been gawn. "Strate too thowsand ate" is da noo fraze dat everywun is yoosing. It comes from a K-Fed lirrick.


We stare at Arnold, still confused. Arnold sees he has to explain further,

K-Fed is da noo name of Brittnee Speeurs husband, Kevvin Fedderline. He is a rappah now and his style is strate too thowsand ate.


Just as he was finishing this sentence Gabriella walks in. She recognises Arnold instantly - the shock almost overwhelms her. Arnold looks at her and smiles.

Arnold Schwarzenegger!? What--?

Before she can say anymore Arnold cuts in:

FARC yoo!

He delivers a knockout punch to Gabriella's face and she falls to the floor in heap.

Ha!

Arnold laughs,

Ive still gottit.

Worried that someone else will come from outside, I move down towards Gabriella's body. Arnold stops me with a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see a shocked expression on his face.

Come on Matt! Wee don't have time fur that now!

For what? I'm just going to move her away from the door.

Oh.... Ya... ya, dat is wot I thawt yoo were doing.... Uh.

Suddenly from outside there's a deafening boom! The whole hut shakes.

Dime to go!

Arnold calls, and we run outside. The next few minutes were chaotic. The guerrilla camp was ablaze and there was gunfire coming from all directions. I stop for a moment to see ex-Governor of Minnesota and close personal friend of Arnold, Jesse "The Body" Ventura tearing the camp to pieces with fire from a 7.62mm GE M134 Mini Gun. Despite standing in the center of a large clearing the guerrilla's seem unable to hit him.

Come on Matt!


Arnold calls,

Jesse can take cayuh of himself!


I run, and we escape into the jungle. By morning we reach Arnold's helicopter. Terry tells us he still has a kidnapped tourist to find, and disappears into the jungle after an emotional farewell. I make a note to watch Proof of Life again when I get home. For a long time we stand in silence. Jake finally asks what we'd all been thinking.

You've saved us all Governor Schwarzenegger, but how can we go home? Isn't James Caan still looking for us? And aren't we wanted for assaulting airport security and hijacking a passenger plane?

Let me answer that Arnold.


The voice came from a figure on board the helicopter. He steps out to meet us - It's Jimmy Caan.

After what happened at the airport I wanted blood. I went all over town running your names into the dirt, and hiring hitmen to come down here and kill you all. Then I got a call from Arnold. At first we just reminisced about Eraser, especially about the part where Arnold shoots the alligator...

Rite in da face!

The two men start to laugh. Then Jimmy goes on.

Arnold talked some sense into me. He said we should put an end to the Caan Busey feud. We should just leave the past alone and get on with things. How did you put it Arnold?

Ya, yoo shudd erase yuwar past to protect yuwar fyutya. Just like in Erassa.

Just like in Eraser. What do you say Gary?

Gary stares at Jimmy for the longest time. Jimmy meets the gaze, hardly seeming to notice that Gary's face is covered in dark shoe polish. Slowly, Gary extends his arm and offers Jimmy his hand. They shake. There's a round of applause from all present. It's a truly touching moment. Arnold speaks,

Unfortyuwanattly dair is still the matta of the incident at da airport andda hijacking. I've yoosed all my powah to talk the DA into a deel. Only won of yoo will face theez charges. The othas will go free.

Silence. Which of us would step forward and take the blame to protect the others? Who would be willing to make that sacrifice? This was a decision that couldn't be taken lightly. I was deep in thought when Arnold spoke again:

I think it shudd be Kewrt.

Kurt shudders as if he'd be physically hit. Then,

Jimmy: I agree.
Gary: No argument here.
Jake: Kurt.

Finally the Caans and Buseys agreed on something. Kurt turns to me. He looks scared - like Burt Reynolds in Deliverance and like Kurt Russell in The Thing. He needs my support. I look him in the eye and tell him what he needs to hear:

Kurt. You're a good Kurt Russell/Burt Reynolds impersonator, but you're not a great one. You're missing the one thing that makes Kurt Russell and Burt Reynolds into the men that they are: Life experience. They've seen it all. Both of them. You can read the experiences of Burt on the set of Smokie and the Bandit in the lines of his face. It's all there. Kurt? Well, it only takes a glance at him to see that he's a man that lived through the filming of Backdraft.
Sure, you resemble them, but you haven't lived the way they have and until you do... until you do, you'll always be a second rate Kurt Russell/Burt Reynolds impersonator. A short spell in San Quentin is something that'll show in your face. This is something you need Kurt, if you care at all about your art.

The others are nodding along in agreement. Kurt still doesn't seem convinced. His eyes flit over towards the trees and it seems he's thinking about running. Arnold speaks,

Hey Kewrt... I'm sending yoo to the coola.


A swift punch from Arnold knocks Kurt out. We lift him onto the helicopter and take off.

The trip back to America was a quiet one. We had a lot to think about: The Caan/Busey reconciliation, our experiences in the guerrilla camp, the new direction Kurt would be taking... It was a lot to take in. Kurt seemed to be the most disturbed by our experiences, but he has time to think it all over now. As for me, I'm back at home doing what I do best - working on straight 2008 movie projects.

It's good to be back.