12.01.2005
Spielberg
I'm in the kitchen making a Mediterranean Omelette when the phone rings. Now I can't exactly leave the frying pan unattended cos I do not want this omelette to burn. I picked up the recipe from Pauly Shore, and let me tell you this: The only thing Pauly Shore can make better than smash hit comedies is a first class mediterranean omelette!I sprint over to the phone, grab the handset off the receiver and get back to the omelette before you can say Bio-Dome. I hear a voice:
Matt!
Dick!
I reply (it's Dick Gere).
Matt, it's great to hear your voice. You were lucky to get through your ordeal in Ecuador alive. I can hardly believe you and the Buseys were abducted by a Kurt Russell impersonator!
Kurt Russell/Burt Reynolds impersonator... I dunno Dick, I really don't think he would've hurt us.
What? Haven't you heard?
Heard what?
Dick's shocked that I haven't heard the news:
This Kurt Reynolds guy is a real nut. It wasn't just abduction and hijacking, he was into all kinds of rackets.
...uh, what?
After the hijacking the cops raided Gary Busey's place (at the time they didn't know Kurt was behind it all). But Gary's house was crawling with exotic animals. Everything you can think of: sea turtles, red pandas, leopards... they'd all been smuggled into the country. When Gary got back he was able to explain that Kurt had held him captive in his own home for months while he used it as a staging ground for his international smuggling ring.
That... makes perfect sense.
That's just the tip of the iceberg. He was running all kinds of scams out of Gary's house. The word is the DA will be months putting the case together on Kurt. When they're through with him he'll be going away for a long time.
I'm stunned but I decide it's best to change the subject. I ask Dick why he called.
I've got something for you Matt! Turn on your TV and watch the Discovery Channel. There's a show on I think your explosive talent might be able to do something with.
It's good advice. Any good filmaker will tell you the best place to get ideas for new pictures is by watching TV shows and old movies, especially ones that not many people have seen. I reply to Dick,
You know Dick, I'm a little surprised you watch TV at all. I wouldn't have thought it fits in with your Buddhist lifestyle.
Exactly right Matt, I don't watch TV. In fact, I don't even have a phone.
I laugh, thinking it's a joke. But the laughter's cut short when I realise I have a frying pan in one hand and in the other... nothing. I look up and see the phone still sitting across the room where I ran to pick it up.
Most people would be freaked out by something like this, but when you've known Richard Gere for as long as I have you get used to it.
Anyway, I watch the show Dick told me about while I'm having the omelette, and what can I say?: the man knows gold when he sees it. He also knows the best goldsmith in town: Matt Evans. After a couple minutes of The Process I have an clear idea for a movie. A movie that only one man can make happen...
I turn up at Stevie Spielberg's house an hour later. Park the Die Hard ambulance out in front and stroll up his long driveway. I ring the bell and a moment later the door's opened by Katie Capshaw - looking as stunning today as when she sat at the table full of chilled monkey-brains in Temple of Doom.
Katie! Matt Evans, writer/director/actor. I'm here to see the Iceberg.
Matt Evans... aren't you one of the guys they were looking for about that hijacking?
That's all been straightened out. I'm off the FBI's most wanted and back on to yours baby!
She looks a little nauseated. I call this the Evans Effect - some women just don't have the constitution to deal with my brand of charm. It's like a pleasure-overload that makes them feel like they're about to throw up.
Come on in, I'll get Steven.
I step in and wait for the directing god to join me. It's not long before the familiar bearded, baseball-capped head makes an appearance.
Matthew Evans, it's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Likewise Stevie. Listen up: I've got some hot s*** on my hands that's about to explode! But I need you to light the fuse.
It's rare to see the Evans Effect in a man, but it happens.
Well... you're certainly enthusiatic. I like that. Why don't you join me for a coffee and we'll talk over your project.
A moment later I have his full attention. I pitch the movie:
Have you ever heard of BIID?
No.
It stands for body integrity identity disorder. It's the entertainment industry's last great untapped mental illness. Someone with BIID wants to have part of their body amputated.
Steven looks a little puzzled.
Haven't you ever felt like you should have another limb? Like an arm growing out of your chest or something? Well this is the opposite of that. These are people who feel like they have too many body parts and just want to cut down a little. Literally.Steven takes a sip of his coffee. It seems like his coming around to the idea.
Matt, I don't think-
Hold up. You haven't heard it all yet. There was a show about these people on Discovery and I'm telling you this: Some of 'em look pretty good. On screen good.
So you wanna make a documentary or...
Not exactly, but I do want to go for realism.
Think of this. We find some of these BIID people and see if they can act. Then we work together, us and them, on a project that benefits us both.
I'm not sure I know where you're going.
Steven...
I can see he's ready for it. He's eyeing me expectantly while swallowing the coffee. Here it is:
...I wanna remake Jaws.
still drinking, he furrows his brow a little. I can see he's putting it together, but he hasn't made the connection yet. All of a sudden his eyes widen and he starts a muffled cough. He's choking on his coffee! I leap up and start patting him on the back! I can't let him die right after forging the greatest movie partnership since Turner and Hooch. After a worrying minute he finally catches his breath.
Jesus Christ Matt! Are you talking about mangling people in animatronic shark jaws!?
He still hadn't seen it! I had to spell it out:
No animatronics Steven. Real people. Real sharks.
I let the words hang in the air. Utter silence. He breaks it, like I knew he would:
My God Matt...
I smile and nod,
I know.
Matt... are you serious?
Crystal.
What?
What?... look: this is what people want right now. Reality. TV is all reality shows: The Osbournes, The Apprentice, Britney and Kevin, that one where they follow David Caruso around in Miami... This is the right time for this picture.
He's still clearly shaken up by the explosiveness of the concept.
I can't do this without you Steven. You wrote and directed the first Jaws, I need you on board.
Peter Benchly wrote Jaws.
Peter Benchly?... the guy who did Peter Benchly's Creature.
Yes!
Wow... He's good.
I make a mental note to track down this guy. Steven starts shaking his head. He looks up at me.
Can you honestly tell me that you don't have any moral concerns over this?
Moral concerns?
Moral concerns!
Well... I wasn't planning on changing the story much. I guess the moral is... if someone says get out of the water, then get out of the water. You know, play it safe. Listen to good advice... And also, the bigger boat thing: if you're gonna do a job, then bring the right tools.
He just stares at me, like I'm speaking another language. Eventually he lowers his head and holds it up in his hands over the table. This must be how he plans out pictures.
Matt... even if you could pull this off without anyone dying, without killing any sharks, without God knows what else from happening... it's not even legal. You can't do any of this.
I'd been expecting this.
That's where you're wrong Steven. Two words: international waters.
He looks up at me. I go on:
We have to film at sea anyway. Why not do it in international waters? That way we'd have the 8th amendment on our side: "In international waters, everything goes."
Matt... I really don't know what to say.
It's airtight Steven, how else could Chevy Chase run his cock fight yacht?... Ok, I can see you need some time to consider this but don't take too long with it: There was this chick in the Discovery show - a real looker - she's planning on getting a leg amputated in Mexico, but if we're quick we could get to her first.
He just looks up at me.
Listen Steven, you think it over... And try not to work too hard, you look a little pale.
Still nothing.
I'll let myself out.
He nods slowly. So I leave him alone with his thoughts. Clearly I'd made an impact - I left him reeling from the explosive concept I'd laid out. Sometimes it takes days for people to collect their thoughts after an experience like that with Matt Evans. Sometimes it takes weeks before they get back to me. And sometimes... with the really explosive ideas, I never hear from them again.