2.18.2006
The Sepulveda Run
So I'm cruising down Sepulveda Boulevard in the Die Hard ambulance. At a little over 26 miles Sepulveda's the longest street in the city. Runs through so much of town you're bound to see some high stakes players, so it's a great place to network. I stop at a red light. A moment later who do I see pull up next to me but the star of gay cowboy blockbuster Brokeback Mountain, Jake Gyllenhaal.Jake! Hey, I'm explosive heterosexual writer/director/actor Matt Evans.
Hey,
he replies.
Jake. I loved you in Brokeback.
Thanks.
...Well, when I say I loved you, I mean I loved watching you... like, as an actor... in a film. Not as a gay cowboy.
What?
He seemed unsure of what to make of me. I guess he's not used to hearing praise.
I mean, you were good... Well, the film was good. Good film... Not as good as Terminator though.
He looks at me,
Funny. Ang Lee said the same thing when he saw the final cut.
Really?
...No
He turns back to the road. Green light. He's gone. I step on the gas and follow. I can't let him get away so easily - I have plans for Jake. You see, if Brokeback taught us anything it's that gay cowboys are hot!... Not hot... well, hot as in popular. People want to watch them. Well, not watch them as in watch them (I actually went out for popcorn during that part). They want to watch films with them... films featuring them.
Jessica Alba is hot.
Just when I'm about to catch up with Jake my phone rings. I put it on speaker.
Matty!! It's explosive writer/director Justin Lin here!
Justin Lin?... The director of the long anticpated sequel to the Fast and the Furious, and 2 Fast 2 Furious - The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift?
The one and only. I'm here in Tokyo filming the Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.
I can't believe I'm talking to Justin Lin, director of the Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift!
Hang on Matt. I've got someone else waiting on the line. Let me set up a conference call.
I wait. Then, a voice.
Hey.
It's Paul Walker - costar (to Vin Diesel) of the Fast and the Furious, and star of 2 Fast 2 Furious.
Pauly!
I say,
I'm surprised to hear your voice. I thought that 2 Fast 2 Furious was your final foray into the Fast and the Furious franchise.
Justin explains,
I asked him to talk with us Matt. Although Paul isn't in the Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, I thought that the experience he gained working on the Fast and the Furious and 2 Fast 2 Furious would be invaluable in fixing this problem. You see-
Hold up Justin,
I say,
Before you go on maybe we should agree to some shorter names to refer to the Fast and the Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, and the Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, by.
Good call bro. Paul, do you have any ideas?
Not really.
I think about for a moment and then make a suggestion.
What about FF, 2F2F, and FFTD for the Fast and the Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious and the Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift?
Respectively?
Justin asks,
Sure.
I reply. With our conventions established, Justin goes on.
Here's the problem bros. After the phenomenal success of FF and 2F2F, we knew FFTD would be hot s***. From day one the only copy of the script for FFTD was kept under lock and key, with armed guards watching over it. We didn't want the fanatical followers of FF and 2F2F to get a look at the script for FFTD before release. During casting for FFTD we even screened out actors with anything better than a below-average medium-term memory. The guys we were left with shoot scenes and an hour later have no idea what they were about.
Genius!
I say. I'd heard rumors about the secrecy surrounding filming of FFTD but to think that the actors themselves didn't even know what they were filming! Before Justin can go on I interrupt him.
Hang on Justin. I'm driving down Sepulveda Boulevard trying to catch up with gay cowboy sensation Jake Gyllenhaal. I wanna talk to him at the lights.
I'll hold.
I pull up beside Jake.
Jake! Me again. Matt Evans. I've got a proposal for you... not.. I mean, a MOVIE proposal.
Make it quick Matt. The lights aren't gonna stay red for long.
I'm working on a project called Seven Ten Split. A group of amateur bowlers are holed up inside a bowling alley surrounded by robotic dinosaurs from the future.
What?
Just listen Jake. Sounds like a great movie, right? Yeah, maybe three years ago it would've been, but times change. Brokeback was a phenomenal success Jake. Gay cowboys are the new robotic dinosaurs from the future!
He looks at me strange. Clearly he wasn't aware of the impact Brokeback Mountain had made. I'm about to go on, explain the part I want him to play, when I hear a voice calling my name. I turn to see another car directly behind Jake's, driven by the Missile himself - Tommy C.
I'll catch you at the next lights Jake,
I say before reversing my van to get alongside Tom and Katie Holmes. They're smiling up at me like extras in a Colgate commercial.
Tom! Katie! How you guys doing?
A-1 Matt. Everything's coming up Tom and Katie!
Tom laughs, Katie laughs, Jake drives away (though I'm pretty sure the lights are still red). Tom stops laughing suddenly and stares at me, with an intensity he displayed only in Legend... and maybe Cocktail.
I've got something to ask you Matt. It's important. Really important.
I'm about to ask him to go on when I remember I've still got Justin Lin and Pauly Walker holding on my phone.
Hold that thought Tommy. I've got Justin Lin and Pauly Walker on the line discussing a crisis on the set of FFTD.
What's FFTD?
Tom asks. Katie answers:
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift... right?
I nod. Tom turns excitedly to Katie.
That was amazing!... AAAAAAAARRR!!! I love you Katie!
He starts struggling in the car. Flailing his arms wildly. It takes me awhile to realise that he's trying to stand up on his seat, but the safety belt is holding him down. I take the opportunity to talk to Justin and Pauly again.
Sorry about that Justin. I caught up with Jake, and then I was talking to the Missile and Katie Holmes.
Man, I miss Sepulveda Boulevard... Listen guys! I'm in s***! Like I was saying, there was only one copy of the script for FFTD... and it's gone - shredded in a bizarre and highly unlikely accident involving 22 inch rims.
I'm shocked. Presumably so is Pauly, because he doesn't say anything. The lights go green, and I start driving.
So that's the situation: We have two thirds of the movie already shot, but no one here knows how it ends.
What about the writers?
I ask,
Please Matt! They wrote this script over a year ago!
Of course. Well, is there anyone else who's read the whole thing?
No one... we've only got one choice left: write a new ending right here, right now.
Justin's words hang in the air. Pauly is stunned into silence. The future of FFTD was hanging in the balance, and explosive director Justin Lin had called on Paul Walker and Matt Evans to save it. Was I flattered? You bet I was, but I didn't have time-
S***! I just drove through a red light - straight past Jake Gyllenhaal's car. A horn blares and I turn to see a car swerve by. Is it? Yes! S***! Scott Bakula's inside flipping me the bird. Scott freakin' Bakula. He'll keep reminding me about this for months, using it as an excuse to act like a complete jerk - nothing new there then.
Matt, you still there?
Justin returns me to my senses.
Sure Justin. Almost clipped Scott Bakula at an intersection. Listen, we need to get to work. When do you go on with filming?
A pause.
...Fifteen minutes. I don't know Matt. They told me you're the best, but can you really come up with an explosive finale to a picture you know nothing about in a quarter of an hour?
Justin Lin,
I say,
Prepare to be Evans...ed.
I begin. I can hear Justin furiously scribbling down the dialogue and action I'm throwing at him. Pauly chooses not to interrupt and remains quietly contemplative. Nine minutes later, I'm just wrapping things up.
Jesus Matt! This is all gold! Explosive gold! How did you come up with it?
It just comes to me Justin. Well, everything except for the part where they run over the shark - that actually happened to me and Gary Busey last Tuesday.
Yeah... I don't know if we can work the shark in. Sounds pretty messy.
Not really. We wrapped it up in the plastic tarp Gary keeps in his trunk and had it dumped round back of a Korean restaurant within 20 minutes. That tarp's seen it's share of action.
Red light. I stop this time. Jake pulls up beside me.
Justin. I'm gonna have to let you go!
Thanks for everything Matt.
Pauly, keep it loose. It was good talking to you.
Yeah.
I hang up. Jake looks up at me.
Matt. This Seven Ten...
Split.
..Split. It has me puzzled. What exactly do you want me to do?
I smile.
Simple. I want to have a bowling alley under seige from time-travelling gay cowboys, and I want you to reprise your role as the gay cowboy.
"The gay cowboy" had a name Matt.
He says, a little pissed,
Brokeback was one of the finest pictures I've had the privilege of working on. You can't dismiss a character as "the gay cowboy" like you would... I dunno, "the Jamaican guy" in Predator 2.
King Willie? What does he have to do with this?
...Nothing Matt. Nothing at all. For your information, I played Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain.
Hey! That's clever: cos he's a cowboy, with a twist - he's gay!
Jake just stares. Clearly he hadn't thought that through before.
Hey Matty!
Tom is shouting from behind again. I excuse myself with Jake and reverse the Die Hard ambulance. Tom and Katie smile up at me. Katie turns to Tom,
Do you wanna ask him?
Ok.
He replies,
Matt. We want you... to be the Alpha Prime Overseer of our child.
They smile. Tom gives me some kind of jazz hands gesture, like he just said something fantastic, though I have no idea what he's talking about.
The what?
The Alpha Prime Overseer... Didn't you read the last pamphlet Travolta sent over to your place?
Oh. It must be a Scientology thing. Katie leans over.
It's kind of like a godfather.
Tom gives her a puzzled look.
Kind of.
she adds quietly. Godfather... that sounds ok. I decide to learn a little more.
What would that... involve?
Tom gets serious, like in Minority Report during the part where he keeps saying "Everybody runs".
The main purpose of the Alpha Prime Overseer is to ensure no BTs meld onto the child.
How would I stop... BTs melding onto the child?
It's not easy Matt. But I have confidence in you. The important thing is that you have a strong deck. But it shouldn't be too heavily weighted towards any particular skill set.
I stare. Katie seems a little puzzled too.
Ok...
Here, let's say you start out by playing a standard warrior card like Gaia: The Fierce Knight. His attack points are respectable, so at least the BTs know you mean business. But the first few monsters you bring out should only be a cover for your true strategy.
My true strategy?
Yes. It should depend on a complex deployment of trap cards throughout the game. And you should keep the strongest monster you have, a Blue-Eyes White Dragon say, in reserve until the final battle commences!
Katie finally says something.
Tom, honey? This doesn't sound much like what they've been telling me at the seminars.
I'm OT6 Katie, I think I know what I'm talking about. They probably haven't even told you about Kaiba Corp yet. Seto's not all bad, but he must be riddled with BTs.
I slowly advance the van past them and next to Jake.
Man, these lights are taking forever.
He says. He looks up at me.
It doesn't make any sense that robotic dinosaurs would travel through time to lay seige to a bowling alley, and even less sense that gay cowboys would do it!
It's an intricitly plotted picture Jake. The first hour and a half sets up the audience so that they're ready to hear why the dinosaurs are there. If I were to tell you straight out without the build up it would just sound stupid.
Ok. So let's say there's some sensible explanation for the dinosaurs. You can replace robotic dinosaurs with gay cowboys... and it still makes sense?
It actually makes more sense... So whaddaya say? You in?
He blinks. Green light. He's gone. Crap! I'll have to wait til the next lights to get an answer. As Tom and Katie pass by I notice she's on the phone. I'm really struggling with that last conversation. Travolta's taken me aside a bunch of times and tried to explain E-meters and the other Scientology stuff, but the Missile had just pulled a whole new bunch of weirdness out of the bag.
I drive on. It looked like Jake Gyllenhaal wasn't gonna play ball with Seven Ten Split. I never like resorting to low down tactics, but sometimes that's the only way to get things done in the City That Never Sleeps.
Driving alongside him, I shout into his car:
You know Jake, if you don't do the picture, I could always get Tobey Maguire. Half the people who see it will think it's you anyway.
You wouldn't!
He looks genuinely worried.
Well. Tobey's a fine actor. Maybe he'd even be better as a gay cowboy than you were.
No way!... No, Maguire'll never do it. A time travelling gay cowboy? It's ridiculous.
It may be ridiculous Jake, but it's also different: It's all over town that Tobey's scared of being typecast as a blind-in-one-eye webslinging jockey superhero. This is the role he needs to break out of that!
There was no arguing with this logic. Jake might even agree to do the movie, just to stop his old nemesis Tobey Maguire from taking his gay cowboy limelight. I study his face and see I may have to stir things just a little more.
Everyone knows you don't like Tobey Maguire, what with him pretending to drop out of Spiderman 2, then coming back after you'd spent two months learning to climb walls. On top of that he used to date your sister.
No he didn't!
Really? Why did I think he did?
I don't know!!
...Oh! Now I know. You used to go out with Kirsten Dunst, right? So that's why.
Jake looked more confused than ever. But he was just about to cave. I could see it in his eyes. It looked like Seven Ten Split was finally going to take off-
Just then a thunderous sound came from out of nowhere. Deafeningly loud! I'm swerving all over the road. I turn just in time to see Jake's car lift ten feet off the ground - he was already leaning out the window to talk to me, so when the car tilts he falls clean out and shoots straight up into the sky... for some reason.
I get control of the Die Hard ambulance, narrowing avoiding a collision with the Missile and Katie. Finally I realise what's going on. A passenger jet flew low above us and is now landing further down on Sepulveda Boulevard. People are being blown all over the place. Car alarms are screeching. It's crazy!
I pull up in front of the jet - now taxiing to the side of the road. I step out to meet Tommy and Katie.
Weird,
Tom says, nodding. He turns to me and smiles brightly.
So. Did you decide if you'll be the Alpha Prime Overseer for our child, in the hope of one day solving the Millenium Puzzle?
Uh...
I still don't know what to say.
Tom! What the hell!?
We turn up to see the plane's door open, and Travolta standing there in his pilot's uniform. He inflates the emergency stairs, slides down, and brushes the dust of his jacket before joining us. He removes his hat and greets Katie first.
Thanks for calling me Katie. Luckily I was flying nearby.
He turns his attention to Tom.
Tom. Katie tells me you've been confusing Scientology with Yu-Gi-Oh again.
No I haven't!
Tom says quickly. I have to ask:
What the hell is Yu-Gi-Oh?
Travolta turns to me,
Some Japanese cartoon that doesn't make any sense.
I nod.
Yeah, I think he's been talking about that.
Tom doesn't know what to make of all this. Travolta starts giving him a refresher course in Scientology, but Tom keeps interrupting, asking questions like "Is Mokuba Seto's real brother?" I can't put up with it any longer.
Listen, sorry to interrupt, but has anyone seen Jake Gyllenhaal? We were just about to make a deal about a picture I'm working on when he got sucked out of his car by your jet.
Travolta doesn't seem to care.
I'm sure he'll turn up Matty. If he'd gone into one of the turbines I would've felt it... Listen Tom. This isn't going to do. I'm busting you down to OT5.
OT5! No way! I'm OT6!
That's how it has to be Tom.
Tom's upset. If I understood what the hell was going on I might even have felt sorry for him. Travolta seemed to be lightening up though.
Ah Tom! I can't leave you like this. I'll let you come back up to OT6.
Thanks John!
That'll be $10,240.
Tom returns to his car to get his checkbook. Travolta turns to me.
While I'm here, you wanna do a free personality test?
I think I'll pass Travolta. I'm doing the Sepulveda Run today. It's almost lunch and I've only covered half of it.
I'll catch you next time. I owe you an E-reading!
he calls after me as I get back in the Die Hard Ambulance. I decide to go onwards rather than heading back to find Jake. Chances were I'd see Heath Ledger further down the street anyway...
A little later I get a call from Mickey Keaton. He's been worried about Denzel Washington, what with the Oscar's so close and everything.
Matt. Listen up. We're not gonna to take this Oscar s*** lying down. We've got two weeks to get ready... I'm assembling a crew.