6.03.2006
Risky Business
It's been too long people, but Matt Evans has had trouble. Legal trouble. I've had to hire the best lawyer money can buy: Cassius Montclare DuBois. You probably heard about him after Don Johnson was caught transporting 8 billion dollars worth of bonds across the Swiss-German border. Don could have gone down for that one, but CMduB stepped in and straightened the whole thing out - Of course there was a perfectly good explanation for Don's actions which I wont bore you with by repeating once again.So what does Matt Evans need with a lawyer of Cassius' calibre? Well... I can't tell you. Not about all of it anyway. It's best if I just say there was an incident at this year's Oscars, involving myself and Japanese animator Hayao Miyazaki. Maybe I can go into more details once this whole thing's been cleared up.
But that's not the end of my woes: Tara Reid's dumbass brother Tommy has stolen my idea. That's right - Seven Ten Split is currently in production but Matty ain't on board. The way Tommy tells it his picture has nothing to do with mine. No time-travelling dinosaurs/gay cowboys. No secret CIA-KGB anti-time travelling dinosaur/gay cowboy alliance. No climatic hot air balloon sniper versus sniper shootout. But you gotta read between the lines people... It's all in there one way or another. Tommy couldn't handle the explosiveness of the original script so he dressed it up as some goddamn buddy comedy and has been trying to pass it off as his own. If the final cut doesn't have "Matt Evans and a freakin' Xerox machine" creditted as the writing team there'll be hell to pay.
So I've been busy. A lot of meetings, legal mumbo jumbo. I've even had to hire a personal assistant. His name's Malamar. He's been a life saver. Finally I can have letters typed as fast as I talk - a step closer to the dream of having things typed as fast as I think. Of course, Malamar doesn't speak a word of english, and I don't speak... his language... but we've been doing everything phonetically and it seems to be working fine.
Most days Cassius, myself and Malamar have been dealing with Tommy's legal team, producers and so on. I've also been able to fit in some time teaching Malamar about the most important aspects of our culture. Just the basics so that we have a common ground we can communicate on. He's also been telling me stories about... his country. My favorite one seems to be about a group of guys trying to force a large animal, maybe a rhino, off a cliff. I'm considering adapting it into a picture with him.
So finally I find a free moment to sit down and write part two of the 78th Annual Academy Awards - with some very specific directions from Cassius about what I can't talk about (basically, all of the most explosive stuff!). I was trying to come up with the best way to explain how the fight started between Russell Crowe and Larry David when Malamar rushes in. He gestures that there's someone here to see me.
Who is it Malamar?
Another series of gestures. We're still trying to work out a clear system but I recognised the first sign as being the one for Mortal Kombat. We had to establish that pretty early on. I've been getting a lot of prank calls recently from Robin Shou. Guy thinks he's a riot with this 'Is your refrigerator running?' bit. It's an old gag Robin!
Someone here from Mortal Kombat? Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, or the short-lived yet underated TV series Mortal Kombat: Conquest?
Malamar replies.
Christopher Lambert and Linden Ashby!?.. what could they want?
Of course, Malamar had said Raiden and Johnny Cage, but I'm trying to teach him not to refer to actors by their character's names. I grab my jacket and head out to meet them.
Chris, Linden. What's up?
They're waiting next to a car outside. Chris answers:
I've been alive for four and a half centuries, and I cannot die.
A pause. I turn to Linden.
Hey Matt. We're on our way over to Chris Walken's for a game of Risk.
What's Risk?
You're kidding me, right?... You've never played?
Linden turns to Chris Lambert,
What the hell Chris? You said we could count on him!
One of you three with determine the outcome of the tournament. The fate of billions depends upon you. Heh, heh, heh!
I look at Linden, mouth the word "three?". He shakes his head - "forget about it." I'm also confused that Lambert seemed to have vouched for me somehow... I've never met the guy before. I guess the Evans name preceded me. Linden settles down.
Ok Matt. I'll explain the rules along the way,
Linden says as he ushers me into the passenger seat. Lambert gets in the back. So Linden teaches me Risk, with Chris occassionally interrupting with seemingly irrelevant quotes from his movies. Risk is a board game. Some would call it the classic game of world domination. Six players, each controlling an army, trying to complete their secret mission before the others.
The game was a regular thing with these guys. This time Christopher Walken was hosting. Lambert, Linden and myself would play. Charles Dance was all set to play, but had to cancel at the last minute. I'd be taking his place. The other players were Bobby De Niro, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.
That's seven players.
I say,
Yeah but Matt and Ben play as a team.
As a team?
Yeah... although if you ask me Matt does all the work.
Lambert leans in between our seats and adds,
Half of me is the Earl of Greystoke... the other half is wild!
He stares at me. I nod a little and finally he sinks back again. Linden doesn't comment. After a little while longer we arrive at Walken's place. On the way up the drive Linden turns to me. Looks me right in the eye:
This above all else: No matter what. Don't. Trust. Walken.
I smile. Figure he's just kidding. He isn't.
Walken'll make you think he's serving you up a Christmas goose, then chew up your ass and spit you out like yesterday's falafel.
Walken greets us at the door. I make a mental note to ask Malamar what falafel is when I see him later.
Christoph, Linden it's good to see you.
He turns to me and puts out a hand, blocking my approach.
You... I don't know you.
He keeps his hand out, turns to the other two.
Walken: Where's Dance?
Lambert: Good question... Neh, heh, heh.
Linden: He couldn't make it.
Walken shakes his head.
That's too bad. Too bad.
He nods for awhile, thinking it over. Finally he turns to me.
What's your name kid?
Matt Evans, explo-
We've already got a Matt in here. I'll call you Evans.
Chris shows us in. We head into a room with a large table. The Risk board is laid out and Bobby De Niro is sorting the pieces into separate colors. He looks up,
Chrissake Chris, could you try putting them back in the box properly next time?
Sort the goddamn pieces Bobby,
Walken replies. I walk around the room doing a meet and greet. Damon and Affleck are psyching each other up. Reverting to Boston-speak as the juices get flowing. Bobby doesn't have much time to talk. He's complaining about the lack of green cannon. It take's Damon a moment, but then he remembers where he knows me from:
Matt Evans?.. Matt Evans! You're the guy thatkilled Miyazaki at the Oscars!
No, I didn'tkill Miyazaki.
Sure you did. I was in the audience! I sawyou two fighting. There's no way he could'vesurvived that fall.
Walken's been listening and cuts in:
Walken: I wouldn't be so sure Matt.
Damon: Are you kidding me? You saw himfall from the rafters, right?
Walken: Chinamen, Matty... they don't die so easy.
De Niro looks up from his pile of troops to nod his confirmation.
Walken: Trust me... I've seen some things... Things'd make ya head spin.
Damon: ...Yeah, well Miyazaki was Japanese. I dunno how that fits into your little picture.
Walken: China... Japan... Laos... It's all the Orient. A land where... mystery reigns. There's no logic there. It's every man for himself.
Damon: Maybe it'd be less f***in' mysterious if you learned to tell between the different countries.
Walken looks at Damon for a moment.
Walken: Maybe you'd shut the hell up if you went and got me a beer from the refrigerator.
It's a tense moment. Everyone pauses... waiting to see what will happen... The two of them stare at each other. Complete silence. Suddenly Lambert bursts out,
A high-tech hell! Built to hold anything... except an innocent man.
With that he leaves the room. The tension lessened a little, Damon finally gives in:
Ben. Go get Chris a beer.
With Lambert out of the room I finally get to ask Linden,
Hey man, what's up with Lambert? Why does he talk like that?
Like what?
Like that.
Linden looks at me confused for awhile. Then it hits him,
Oh! You mean why does he speak in lines from his movies? Christoph doesn't speak English.
I'm confused.
What? I just heard him-
No, no. You heard him repeat a line from one of his movies. He had to memorize all this stuff for filming.
So he doesn't speak English!?
Linden nods, just as Christoph returns through the door. We watch him walk by. Linden speaks first, quietly:
To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure if he speaks French.
...But, sometimes what he's saying almost seems related to what's going on. How does he do that?
Linden shrugs. From across the room Christoph calls,
It's a kind of magic! Neh, heh, heh!
At this point I'm a little weirded out, so I'm glad when we finally sit down to play. The mission cards are dealt. I read mine: Conquer Africa and Asia. Africa and Asia. That seems reasonable. We each pick a color and start placing troops in our territories. Matt Damon pipes up:
Wo! What the f*** is this?
Walken: Excuse me?
Damon: What is this? This is chaos! We put one battalion in each territory, then take turns reinforcing, moving clockwise around the table.
Affleck looks at Damon, and then juts in:
Affleck: We take turns... around the table.
Walken: That's bulls***!
Damon: It's the goddamn rules Walken, are the rules bulls***?
I notice De Niro getting annoyed. Breathing audibly through his nostrils.
Walken: Yeah. This rule, this is a bulls*** rule.
Damon: What? So now you pick and choose which rules to play by? Where does that end? Let everyone have two troop movements, three? Where do you draw the line?
Affleck: Draw a line!
Damon: Shut up Ben!
Affleck: Don't tell me to shut up. I was in Daredevil. You shut up!
De Niro: EVERYBODY SHUT UP! We're gonna play this game. We're not gonna be here all night, so we're gonna do it Chris' way. Anybody who's got a problem with that, has to talk to me.
Chris nods. De Niro looks up. There's an understanding between these men that goes back years. They've got each other's backs. Affleck and Damon have nothing on these guys.
Walken: Thank you Bobby. I can always count on you to fight in my corner. True friendship... Loyalty... Blood... Truth...
He looks up at Affleck and Damon.
You jokers could learn a thing or two from this: Bobby and I go way back. Back when you two schmucks were still punk kids roaming the streets of Boston, we were tight back then. I know I can count on Bobby and he knows he can count on me.
Bobby nods. Watching the scene I can't help but glow with admiration for these two Hollywood legends. Walken and De Niro begin placing pieces out again, and very slowly, very quietly, Linden leans a little closer to me. I turn to him as he mouths the words:
Don't. Trust. Walken.
We start. Everyone plays conservatively at first. I quickly see how the Affleck-Damon team operates. Matt is in charge of tactical issues, troop deployment, reinforments, which territories to attack... Ben's main responsibility seems to be rolling the dice.
After a few turns around the board Christoph and Affleck-Damon are doing the best. Lambert has South America and is slowly pushing De Niro out of the North as well. Damon's holding Europe and a good chunk of Asia, but lousy rolling from Affleck keeps letting him down. Linden has Australia sown up. I'm holding onto Africa. Walken has... nothing really. A few pieces here and there, having no great effect on anything. I'm begin to wonder what Linden has against him.
So Matt,
Damon begins,
I hear you saw the rumble between Larry David and Russell Crowe at the Oscars.
I nod, and begin telling the story while De Niro finishes up deploying his reinforcements.
Larry and Russell get introduced. Larry offers a hand, to shake, but Russell doesn't accept. Just shakes his head and says,
I don't shake.
Larry smiles,
You don't shake?
No.
Never?
Never.
Huh... So what do you do?
The Gladiator star bends a little, lowering his head to Larry.
I bow.
He says.
You bow! I like that. A bower. Good for you.
There's a moment of silence. Russ eyes up Larry expectantly. Lar looks puzzled. Eventually Russell speaks again,
Well?
Well what?
You're not gonna bow?
Larry laughs.
Why should I bow?
Because I bowed to you. It'd be rude not to bow to me.
I offered you my hand to shake. You didn't shake. Isn't that rude?
That's different.
No it isn't. It's the same thing!
Russell grunts a laugh, but you can tell he's getting pissed.
You offered me a shake, but there was no shake. I completed a bow. The bow happened, the shake didn't.
You rejected the shake.
-and you accepted the bow!
I never accepted the bow! I hereby reject your bow!
I'm not finished the story but De Niro cuts in,
What the hell is this? How long does it go on for?
Damon: Let him finish Bobby. This is a good story.
De Niro ain't happy. He turns to Walken, who just shrugs.
Walken: Go ahead Evans. I wanna see how this baby plays out.
With Walken's support I go on... So Russell replies:
You can't reject it now. It's already done. You have to bow.
I have to bow?
Yeah.
Well I don't see how that's fair. I have to bow but you don't have to shake. I mean..
I don't shake.
Well I don't bow.
Crowe freaks out.
You don't bow!? How can you not bow?
You don't shake.
You can have good reasons for not shaking! Hygiene, sweaty palms...
Yeah, well I have a bad back. My chiropractor explicitally said no bowing. He said that as much as one bow would be risking all chance of a pain free lower back.
You can't bow?
Russell has calmed a little.
I can't bow.
Well, I guess if you can't bow... then it's ok.
Crowe nods a little, smiles and begins to turn away. Everyone around relaxes. At the last moment, almost inaudibally, Larry adds,
Either that or I just don't wanna bow.
Crowe spins and THUMP!, clocks Larry right in the face. He jumps after him and starts forcing him to bow over. Once Larry's doubled over he leans in and starts biting Russell's knee. Whether he knew it or not I dunno, but Russell's left kneecap is in awful shape - he smashed it up one time in a fight with that guy Zeuz from No Holds Barred. Crowe falls to the ground in agony and David starts working the face. Eventually he was pulled off him by Billy Crystal - since he lost the presenting gig at the Oscars they've had him working security.
De Niro cuts in again,
What the hell is No Holds Barred?
No Holds Barred?
I reply,
A 1989 picture starring Hulk Hogan.
Affleck: No Ring. No Ref. No Rules.
Me: Exactly.
De Niro's had enough. He attacks me in Irkutsk. At first I figure it was just to shut me up, but once he's cleared house he keeps going,
De Niro: Three from Irkutsk on Kamchatka.
Walken is in Kamchatka.
Walken: Bobby! What- hold up. What is this?
De Niro: I'm sorry Chris. I gotta do this. Kamchatka's the gateway to North America. I need it. Get ready to roll.
Walken: Get ready to roll? Bobby. I understand... that you're under pressure... in North America. Lambert's hurting you.
De Niro: He's killing me Chris!
Lambert: We are driven by the endless fight to survive in a game which knows no limits of time or place. We are the seeds of legend, but our true origin is unknown. We simply are.
Maybe it's not a good time, but I have to ask Lambert,
Your true origin is unknown? Hold up Lambert, I thought the Immortals were banished from the planet Zeist and then reincarnated on Earth.
Lambert looks at me gravely. He turns away to consider this. I realise I'm about to have one of the deepest mysteries of modern cinema unravelled by the man at it's very heart. He's still considering his answer. I wait. De Niro and Walken are still looking intensely at one another, but I'm not taking any notice of that now. Lambert opens his mouth to speak,
Lambert: Neh, heh, heh.
Walken goes on:
Walken: Listen to me Bobby... You're under pressure. I can see that. But these are the times, these troubling times, when friends need to come through for each other. Look around the board Bobby - the world. I've got nothing. No continents... no concentration of force... I'm spread out. But I have one thing Bobby, that I thought I could depend on. You. Can I depend on you Bobby? Can I?
Silence. A long silence. De Niro is deep in thought. Linden is leaning forward a little, as if he'll hear De Niro's response quicker that way. Damon is looking at Walken, shaking his head and mumbling quietly under his breath. Affleck is playing with two discarded troops, making quiet sound effects to himself.
De Niro: Ok Chris. For you.
Linden: CHRIST! WHAT THE F***!? Come on Bobby! You can't trust this guy!!
De Niro: Shut your goddamn mouth kid! You don't know nothing about this.
Linden: What do you mean I don't know nothing? He does this EVERY time!!.. God dammit!
Walken: I'm sorry for you Linden. Sorry that you've never learned what trust is. It's sad. It really is.
Linden slumps back in his chair. Kamchatka goes unchallenged, and Bobby finishes up his turn. I'm up. With Africa more or less sown up, it's time for me to move into Asia. The quickest way? - Through the Middle East. Through Walken.
I pick up the red dice.
Three from Egypt into the Middle East... Sorry Chris.
Walken looks up.
Linden: Good Matt. Do it. Don't listen to anything he says.
Walken: Evans... Matty... You're attacking me?
Linden: Roll the dice Matt. Roll the dice. Once you roll-
Walken: Hear me out Matty. What harm could it be?
Linden: Roll! Roll! God dammit Matt! Roll the goddamn dice!
I look between them, not knowing who to listen to. One of these guys is Linden Ashby. Johnny Cage. Tom Berenger's costar in Sniper 2. Detective Morrison in Wild Things 2. Dr. Brett "Coop" Cooper in Melrose Place.... not that I watch Melrose Place... you know, sometimes it's on after you know... uh.. Gun Cops. Yeah. Gun Cops. It's a little known show I watch. Very violent. Very intense. Lots of... guns.
And the other is Christopher Walken. What can I say about Chris Walken? The man's a living legend. This guy's made more movies than most people have seen. If sheer volume of work is a measure of how good an actor is, and I believe it is, then Chris Walken may just be the finest living actor alive today.
Me: I've gotta hear Chris out.
Linden: AAAAAAAAAH!!!
Walken: Thank you Matty. You're a good kid. I could see in your eye... both your eyes... when I met you today. I thought to myself... This guy... this Matt Evans... this guy... he's a good guy. I'm a good judge of character Matty... When I first met Woody Allen, way back, I thought... this is the kind of guy, who would marry his own adopted daughter. You know?... And look what happened.
Woody Allen?... I think to myself. Maybe some foreign director - I'll ask Malamar about him.
Walken: I wont ask much of you Matty. I just need a little time. Time to breath. Look at my forces. We're dwindling. You attack me in the Middle East... and I'll crumble. It could end me Matty. End me... Do you wanna end me Matty?
Linden: Yes!! End him. Do it!
Walken: Linden's trying to manipulate you Matty. I'm trying to help you.
Me: ...maybe.
Linden head drops flatly onto the table. Every piece of the board jumps up half an inch and lands again. He moans quietly.
Walken: I knew it! Bobby,
He turns to Bobby,
Walken: This Evans kid is a good guy... Tell you what Evans. You wanna get into Asia? I got no problem with that. A man gets to a point, in Risk or in life, he needs to go to Asia... Happened to me once upon time... It didn't end well Matty. Not for anyone.... But that's another story. Tell you what... you go through Europe, you pick up some territories along the way.... Build up some momentum.
Damon, the guy who's running Europe, tries to convince me not to go along with Chris' plan, but it's no use. Walken's really gotten through to me. I'm ready to roll. After taking Southern Europe and Ukraine I'm done. Walken's up.
He counts up his men and flips over some cards,
Walken: Twenty from the cards, two from territories, that's twenty two reinforcements.
As he begins counting out men Linden raises his head up slowly. He looks worried.
Walken: I'ma putt em all in Kamchatka.
De Niro: What?... What are you doing Chris?
Walken: It's like you said Bobby, it's the gateway to North America.
De Niro stares at him. Bobby's got a few troops in Asia, but the rest of his forces are all in North America. I'm not really sure what Chris' plan is.
Walken: First of all... I gotta tie up some loose ends in Asia. Three from Kamchatka into Irkutsk.
De Niro: Chris. That's me.
Walken: Yeah.
De Niro: We have a truce. I didn't attack you.
Walken: You didn't attack me... because I asked you not to... not because of any truce.
De Niro: Ok. Well, I'm asking you not to attack me. The way you asked me. Don't attack me Chris.
Walken rolls the dice. De Niro is silent. After a long pause he defends, and loses. Walken continues. Siberia. De Niro's finished in Asia. Then into North America. Territory after territory, Walken takes on De Niro. It all comes down to three of Walken's troops in Ontario against two of De Niro's in Quebec.
The loudest thing in the room is now De Niro breathing through his nostrils. He sits nodding to himself.
De Niro: It's a sad day. A sad motherf****** day.
Walken: You ready?
De Niro: A sad day...
Damon: Come on Bobby, let's just get it over with.
De Niro: Ok.... I'll defend with two.
Lambert: No-
Lambert reaches over and stops De Niro from rolling, points at Quebec - with only two troops remaining in it. Not enough to roll two dice.
Lambert: There can be only one.
Linden turns to me.
Linden: Jesus. It took him long enough to work that in.
Me: Yeah,
I smile. Linden looks at me.
Linden: Shut up.
Clearly he's a little annoyed that I didn't take his advice. Walken rolls. De Niro rolls... and loses. Again... and it's over. He's been wiped off the board in one turn. Walken flips over his mission card.
Walken: Destroy all blue troops... I win.
Damon: Crap.
Affleck: What?
Damon: It's over.
Affleck: Did we win?
Damon: No.
Affleck: Crap.
Walken stands up. Begins clearing the board.
Walken: Thank you all. It's been fun, I'm sure... I look forward to doing this again some time.
De Niro: A sad day...
After everything's cleared up and we say our goodbyes I head out with Lambert and Linden.
How about a ride home Linden?
Linden: It's a little out of my way. Come on Chris.
Linden heads down the driveway. Chris pauses a moment, then looks at me.
Lambert: The chessboard is the world... the rules of the game are what we call nature. The player on the other side is hidden from us but we know that his play is always fair, just, and patient. We also know that he never overlooks a mistake.
Wow Chris,
I say,
That's deep. What movie is that from?
He looks at me,
Lambert: That line's from Knight Moves. I played a chess grandmaster accused of a murder he didn't commit.
Wow!... Linden! He does speak English!
Linden calls back from beside his car:
Was it something about Knight Moves?
Yeah! Knight Moves...
Have you seen Knight Moves?
Uh... no.
Exactly. That's why he had to learn that phrase. No one's seen Knight Moves.
I turn to Chris. He smiles.
Lambert: Neh, heh, heh.