07.18.2008
Quantum of Picket Crossing (part one)
On November 5th 2007 the four major unions representing screen writers in the United States went on strike. They are:
The Writers Guild of America, East (WGAE). This guild is headed by Michael Winship, best known for penning The Case of the Calpurnian Kugel Caper episode of Mathnet, a Dragnet parody segment on kids' TV show Square One.
The Writers Guild of America, West (WGAW). Under Patric "Madman" Verrone. Patric is known for his work on Futurama... that and for trying to prematurely end Jean-Claude Van Damme's career with a 7-iron during the controversial 2005 WGAW presidential election.
The bafflingly-named Writers' Guild of Writers (WGW). Started up in 2005 by that same Jean-Claude Van Damme, whose writing credits include Kickboxers 1 and 2, Double Impact, The Quest and The Order. The WGW is unique in that it's the only writers' guild to correctly use an apostrophe in it's name.
And lastly, the eighteen-member Extreme Guild of Writer's (EGW). President: Dave "Chronicles of Riddick" Twohy. One could argue that the EGW is home to the greatest collection of writers that the world has ever seen. My guild.
For those of you who never knew, or don't remember, the exact ins-and-outs of what caused the strike, let me sum it up for you. We, as writers, felt we were entitled to more DVDs. Something like that anyway. Maybe even some Blu-rays (I've heard good things about Doom in HD - they say you can even make out the razor blade marks on The Rock's forehead). The strike ended on February 12th 2008, exactly 100 days after it began.
This is my story...
Monday November 5th, 2007 - Day 1
As the man jumps out in front of me, I slam the breaks on the Die Hard Ambulance. Anyone who is familiar with the DHA will know that this has little or no effect. BAM! The man grunts in pain and drops out of sight - From the noise I can tell that rather than going under the DHA he is being pushed along in front of it. We stop when the tangled mixture of man and machine gets jammed against the curb of the sidewalk outside my apartment.
I had only seen the man's face for an instant, but I immediately recognised him. I grab my bag from the passenger seat and hop outside.
Mike! Are you ok?
I'm fine! I'm fine!
He wasn't fine. His body was crushed awkwardly between the fender of the van and the sidewalk concrete. His clothes are ripped all over and his elbows, forehead and legs are bloodied. I'd never seen Michael Bay look so bad.
Hey, Matt. You're just the man I wanted to talk to.
he says, with a bloody smile.
I have something I'd like you to work on-
Uh... Don't you want me to help you up first?
What? No, I told you I'm fine... Listen I know you were out of town the past week.
Yeah, I was visiting my folks.
That's great!
He smiles again, this time nodding his head, his neck clicking loudly with each movement.
So Matt, did you hear any news while you were gone?
I'm a little out of the loop Mike. Why? Something going on?
No! No!... Same old, same old. Here's the thing: How would you like to write the screenplay for Tranformers 2. Right here, right now. I mean.. right now, no distractions or anything.
What a proposition! Transformers was the most explosive movie of 2007. Of course I wanted to be a part of the franchise!
Count me in Mike. How about I help you up and we can talk a little in my place?
I'm fine Matt! I'd really like to get down to work. Tell me, do you have any ideas for how the Deceivabots could come back to life after what happened in the first one. I mean, I know Tranformers are tough, and we could maybe get away with just-
I really think we should get you out from under the van Mike.
I bend down and start pulling him free.
This really isn't necessary Matt... What about the idea that Malgatron was in some kind of coma or something? You know? I guess Tranformers could have comas right?
Trans-formers... and it's Megatron.
See! You're already pulling your weight Matt! What a team we're gonna make!
Not only was I pulling my weight, I was pulling his and trying to lift the left hand side of the van from on top of him. Suddenly there's a tearing noise and his pants, obviously caught on the undercarriage, rip off. I fall backwards, with Mike Bay flat on top of me.
Wow Matt! You're a real hero. Just like Ortimus Prime, right?
I help Mike to his feet (he seems shaken up, but he can stand) and we head up to my apartment. I turn to him as we get inside,
How about I grab you a pair of pants Mike? We look about the same size.
I'm fine Matt! Jeez, I never took you for such a worrier. How 'bout we just get down to work, eh?
I nod, a little puzzled. Mike takes a seat as I leave my bag out of the way and go to get a couple drinks.
You might of heard Matt that we already started shooting some of the action scenes for the sequel. Well, they're going great but I've got producers breathing down my neck asking me which part comes first, how this scene will connect to that scene, what's the story gonna be about... You know, I really don't wanna worry about that kind of stuff, so that's where I see you coming in.
As I come back towards Mike's chair I notice the answering machine blinking.
Sorry Mike, let me just check this.
I tap the button.
YOU HAVE SIXTY-THREE NEW MESSAGES. beep
Hey Matt, it's Twohy. Missed you at the meet-
A shoe comes flying across the room and knocks the answering machine off it's stand, and to the floor where it breaks into two pieces. I turn in shock to see Mike Bay standing in his boxers, with one shoe and nothing but a sock on the other foot. He fidgets nervously...
We gotta focus Matt! We need to get some writing done and fast!
I'd never worked with a director with this kind of enthusiasm before. Unorthodox yes, but you have to make allowances for the man considered to be the greatest director of his generation.
Ok Mike. I'm focused. Tell me what you've filmed and I'll write you a story.
I sit down opposite him and he begins, demonstrating the action with hand gestures.
Ok Matt. This is what we've got so far. Someone (that's up to you) detonates a nuclear bomb in the San Francisco bay. The explosion causes a tsunami that lifts up an aircraft carrier, causing it to jump over the Golden Gate bridge. As it's jumping, it also rotates, and the people on the bridge can see the fight between two Tranformers (now fighting upside-down!) on the deck. Ok? So it's Optimer Prime and Morgatron fight-
Optimus Prime and Megatron... and again, Trans-formers.
Right. So these guys are fighting and we see the people down on the bridge watching. There's an African American there and he says something really funny like:
Aw hell no! Home boy's got game!
Right, and there's also an Asian American - driving real slow, the traffic all backed-up behind him - and he's like:
Oh no! It's Godjira!
You know? Cos they can't do zees or els right.
I nod along with Bay, visualizing the action as he describes it.
The next scene (and the producers are really on my back about how to link it with the first) takes place in the Australian outback, on top of Ayers Rock. Again, there's two robots fighting, but this time they're both... Autocons.
He gives me a weighty stare as he drops the bombshell.
Em... Autobots. Or Deceptacons... I'm not sure which you mean.
Matt, these are details for you, you know? Ok? The bottom line is they're both from the same type, or group or whatever. Why are they fighting? That's up to you. Anyway, there's this Indigenous Australian guy, dressed in all the traditional stuff, looking up in shock. And he says:
Man.. I picked the wrong week to quit huffing gasoline!
Right? Cos I heard they do that. Anyway Matt. I need ideas. Story possibilities. Anything. Fast.
Just then my apartment door is kicked open and the imposing 6'10'' figure of Dave Twohy stands in the frame.
Don't say another word Matt, we're on str-Before he can finish the sentence a flying shoe smacks him in the mouth. Bay is on his feet and ready to dance.
You're the one who should keep quiet Twohy... unless you wanna find out why they call me Weapons Bay.
Bay brings a hand behind his back and inside his shirt (one of his few remaining pieces of clothing), and produces a kusarigama. He handles the short scythe in his right hand while spinning the metal chain end above his head.
What the hell is going on?
I ask. But before either can answer Michael Bay launches the weighted chain at Twohy who simply raises his forearm. The chain strikes and wraps around his arm. Bay smiles.
You should have quit when you had the chance Twohy.
He pulls the chain to bring the Pitch Black director within range of his kama, but Twohy is already running fast - closing in like a freight train - on an unsuspecting Bay. It's all over in an instant. Twohy raises his leg and delivers a show-stopping kick to Bay's chest, who is launched backwards, smashing through a window and falling to the street below. Twohy removes the chain, and drops it to the ground with the rest of the weapon, Bay having let go of the handle as he flew across my living room. I'm speechless. Dave Twohy walks to the shattered window and leans out.
I never knew you had a Bay-view window Matt.
Nice.
What the hell Dave? Did you just kill Michael Bay?
Ha! Are you kidding me? Bay made a movie with Sean Connery. Do you really think he's never been kicked through a third story window before? He'll be fine.
Of course he was right.
What's happening Dave?
We're on strike Matt. Us, and both WGAs.
What about the WGW?
Not yet. They're waiting to see how things play out. I suppose you could think of the tensions between the various guilds and the studios as an electrified kitchen floor.
And the WGW are supporting themselves... in a splits, between two counter tops?
Exactly. But even Van Damme can't hold that position for long. He'll have to make a call soon enough.
I nod.
But what's it all about Dave?
Complicated issues Matt. It's a real shame you missed the last meeting. I layed out the whole situation using The Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Fury as an allegory. Obviously I don't need to get into details with you, cos I lent you the DVD a few months back. I'm sure you've watched it a few times since then.
Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Fury? Had they made another Riddick movie? How had I not heard about that?
Right Matt?
Yeah... Dave. Dark Fury. Now I get it.
Good. See Antonia Chillingsworth and her mercs are just like the studios. They want to freeze our DVD residuals just like she wanted to freeze Riddick to add to her menagery of criminal statues.
What the f***?
But we're gonna fight back. And they're gonna be surprised just what we can do - just like Jack surprised everyone when she killed Antonia.... Man, that was some masterful animation.
Anima-? The cartoon! Right!
What?
Nothing. Dave. I'm on board. Let's picket these manga-looking bastards.
Dave smiles and shakes my hand firmly.
Welcome to the strike Matt.
Monday November 16th, 2007 - Day 12
I'm bored. The strike is like X-Men Origins: Wolverine. When you first hear about it, it sounds like a good idea, something you wanna be a part of. But when the thing finally gets going, you take one look at Hugh Jackman's face and wish you were doing something else. I mean, Jackman peaked with Swordfish, he's really got nothing left to offer.
See, I'm a writer/actor/director. When I'm not writing/acting/directing I'm not me. I feel like Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer must've done when they heard they couldn't do the whip-fight they'd personally choreographed for What Lies Beneath. Cat Woman and Indy was a match made in heaven but, just like now, the studio execs got in the way of letting people do what they do best.
So here I am, sitting in a meeting room at Kilfex Logistics down in San Diego. I usually avoid corporate video work, but I was freaking out without working and needed something. Since it isn't broadcast TV or film, I'm free to do a promotional video for the company.
So, in a nutshell, that's what we do here at Kilfex.
The suit, Silas McKenzie, had finished talking. To be honest I wasn't listening. I'm on edge. It's been over two weeks since I'd pitched a movie to a studio. He starts up again:
We want to stand out as a big name player within the biotech industry Mr. Evans, and the other film makers we've been talking to had only one suggestion for that: A big star for the video.
Now he's talking my language. If Kilfex need a big name they've come to the right guy. The trick is not to show my hand too early. The Korean guy next to Silas, Dr. Gwok, suddenly speaks:
We very impressed with name last group brought to us.
Silas nods.
It was much more than we hoped for Mr. Evans. If we didn't have other film makers to meet today we probably would've offered them the job right away. I never dreamed we'd have such a big Hollywood name doing the video.
Wow. Ok, sounds like my competition is pretty serious. I think big and say the first name that comes into my head:
I can get you Sting.
As soon as the words leave my mouth I wish I had a way to get them back in. I don't know Sting. I've never met Sting. I'm not even sure what country Sting lives in! Before I can say another word the Korean slams his hand hard on the table, and throws his head back to laugh. Silas looks terrified. Suddenly the Korean's on his feet. He leans over the table and takes my hand in his and starts shaking it vigorously.
You have job! Get Mr. Sting! Mr. Sting better than Geordi La Forge!
Geordi La Forge? I used Sting to top LeVar Burton?
Silas: Um, we still have two more-
Silas is shouted down with a long chattering attack in Korean. Doctor Gwok turns to me and smiles, still shaking my hand. Suddenly he starts to sing:
I send an S.O.S. to the world,
I send an S.O.S. to the world,
I hope that someone gets my,
I hope that someone gets my,
He waves his arms - up, up - until Silas and I get to our feet and join in, following the doctor for the lyrics.
I hope that someone gets my,
Message in a bot-tle,
Message in a bot-tle..
We sing on, and I wonder how the hell I can track down Sting.
Monday November 16th, 2007 - Day 12 - An hour later
Hi, yeah I'd like the number for Sting please.Ever since leaving Kilfex I'd be trying to work out how to get a hold of Sting. First the direct route: I'm on the cell, driving back up to LA in the DHA. The operator, not a music fan I guess, asks if it's a business or residential number.
Residential.
Seems like he's unlisted. Figures.
Ok honey, how about the Police?
Did they get back together? I heard something about a reunion tour. The whole time I'm scouring my brain to come up with a plan B should this fail.
Yeah, the Police.... Ok, great, just go ahead and connect me.
Plan B... plan B... Of course! The Glass Spider! Suddenly I'm connected, though the voice on the other end doesn't sound British. I figure they've been in the US since the 80's.
Hey man, Matt Evans here, striking writer, director and actor. Just to be clear, I'm striking as a writer but I'm still ready to work as a director and actor..... Yes, it is an emergency!
I thought musicians were supposed to be laid back... Would the Glass Spider trick still work, I wonder, after all these years?
I'd like to talk to Sting, if he's there..... Sting yeah, or I mean whoever's second in command or whatever..... Hey, the only crime being committed here is you screwing up a very lucractive job offer for your buddy. You want him to ditch you guys again? Some people are into his solo stuff, you know?
Ok, so hindsight's 20/20 right? If you read through this dialogue a few times you'll probably work out what was going on. So far I'm down $500 dollars on the Kilfex job, thanks to a fine for wasting police time.
So I'm left with two courses of action: Do everything I can to track down Sting or try to pull off a Glass Spider. It's a pretty simple con, taking it's name from David Bowie's 1987 world tour to promote Never Let Me Down. Unbeknownst to the millions of fans that attended the concerts, Bowie had suffered a serious back injury falling up a surreal staircase on the set of Labyrinth a year previously. Jim Henson felt terrible about the accident and how it would affect the concert schedule, so he constructed an animatronic six-man-operated muppet version of Bowie and the tour went ahead.
Of course Bowie was still at the concerts, singing and (so the story goes) operating his muppet counterpart's eyebrows... but the fans never had a clue. Whether the Kilfex guys would fall for it, whether I could get Brian Henson to attempt to replicate his father's masterwork, and whether I could convincingly impersonate Sting's voice and operate the muppet and conduct a conversation with McKenzie and Doc Gwok at the same time were other matters altogether...