10.23.2005
Kurt Reynolds (part two)
Show business is tough. It's the toughest business of them all. One day you're on top of your game, everyone loves you, you can do no wrong. The next, you've been chewed up and spat out like a Korean dumpling. This week I tasted my first setback at the hands of Hollywood, and it was bitter.On Monday I was on fire, literally! I had just come out of Fox Studios with a 3 picture deal. They'd bought the scripts for a film trilogy that I've been developing for the past few months: Shark Wars. Maybe you've heard some of the buzz surrounding it on the internet, but if not let me break it down for you the way I did for the Fox execs.
People want one thing nowadays and one thing only. That one thing is movie trilogies. We had the Matrix, the Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter... what next?
They were hanging on my every word - unable to reply.
Shark Wars, that's what. Think Star Wars meets Deep Blue Sea meets the Fast and the Furious.
They were blown away. I read that look of "Why didn't I think of that!?" in each of their faces. But they still needed convincing. I went on to tell them that I'd gotten Jimmy Caan on board to play the leader of the humans, and Paul Walker was very interested in voicing the Shark Emperor. That's what tipped the balance. You bring two heavyweights like Jimmy Caan and Pauly Walker to the table and no one can turn you down.
Shark Wars was given the green light with a budget of $200 million per picture. Add to that the fact that I still had an ace up my sleeve in the form of Kurt Russell/Burt Reynolds lookalike Kurt Reynolds. I was in the mood to celebrate! So when Gary Busey called me up to tell me he was heading down to Ecuador with Jake and Scott to put the whaling plan into action, did I say I'd see him at the airport? You better believe I did. Gary said he still couldn't get his head around this Kurt thing, so I brought him along to let the Buse see for himself.
So there we are in the departure lounge: explosive writer/director/actor Matt Evans, Hollywood legend Gary Busey, lookalike sensation Kurt Reynolds, and the heirs to two of the biggest acting dynasties in the world, Scott Caan and Jake Busey. Kurt and Gary got on like a house on fire. Kurt was a big fan of Gar's 1994 hit Drop Zone, and Gary was glad to fill him in on the fragmented pieces he could remember from back then. Scotty and Jake were telling me the details of their plan when the party was put to a sudden stop.
Get over here Scott, those Buseys are no good.
It was Jimmy Caan. He stood at the door to the departure lounge, dressed in a slick navy suit, with a group of airport security standing behind him. Scott looked shocked - he didn't know what to say. Gary looked pissed - he knew just what to say.
What did you say about the Buseys?
Gary said, getting to his feet. Jimmy smiled, raised a hand and clicked his fingers. The airport security moved in and started hurrying people out of the room. After a minute we were alone: The Caans, the Buseys, Kurt and I, and the airport security who were obviously on the Caan payroll.
You think I'm scared Caan?
Gary asked.
You should be.
Jimmy replied, removing his jacket and handing it to one of the men behind him.
Why's that?
Gary said, meeting the steely gaze of the man before him. Jimmy Caan looked him up and down, weighing up his opponent, smiled and replied.
Because you're about to get Caanned.
With that Jimmy flew forward and smashed into Gary's face with the famous Caan forehead - I was instantly reminded that James Caan is an expert in the Filipino fighting style Escrima. That wasn't to say Gary couldn't take care of himself. I'd seen him fight before and all I could do was hope Jimmy was wearing a cup.
After the initial attack Jake rushed forward to help his father. He was lept on by security - they'd clearly been told to stop any interference. Like his father before him, Jake had a fair amount of experience with airport security and knew to go straight for the ears. Kurt and I looked on in awe as Jake tore and bit his way through the security men. They fell away to nurse their bleeding ears, shouting at each other in an effort to coordinate themselves, but unable to hear each other. It would take them minutes to regroup without the audio communication they depend on so completely. Gary congratulated his son with a series of swift hand movements decipherable only to a Busey.
Jake kicked Jimmy off his father and was about the finish him with his trademark move - the Head Stomp - when he was tackled from behind by Scott. The two former friends began struggling furiously while their fathers continued their own battle.
To hell with this!
I heard from beside me, just before Kurt ran forward, vaulted off a chair and joined the fray. At first it was hard to see which side he was fighting for. You could have been forgiven, in the flurry of motion, for thinking that both Kurt Russell and Burt Reynolds were fighting among the various Caans and Buseys.
Jimmy Caan, now in a Full Nelson courtesy of Gary Busey, had an excellent view of the struggle between the 3 men before him. He knew that once Kurt and Jake were done with his son, they'd come for him.
Shoot them!
he cried out, at the few airport security men who could still hear his commands. One readied his gun and aimed.
I can't get a clear shot! I might hit your son!
Take the ****in' shot!
Scott looked up in shock at his father, finally realising what kind of man he was. The gunman nodded and prepared to fire. In a moment's time Scott Caan, Jake Busey and Kurt Reynolds would all be dead. It was up to me to act. To run forward and save the 3 men, to save Kurt and the future of the Triplets project we were developing, or...
Or should I side with Jimmy Caan, the star of the Shark Wars trilogy? This was a life and death decision both for the lives of the Caans, Buseys and Reynolds involved, and for the meteoric career of Matt Evans. Shark Wars was a sure fire hit, it would make me the next Spielberg. But Kurt Reynolds was a phenomenon unlike any other. Which should I choose? I had only nanoseconds to make the decision, but first I had the most vivid flashback...
Back when I first arrived in Hollywood I got a job in a sandwich bar to get some green together. It was a small joint, just me and one other guy working there: Mark Hamill. After Star Wars Mark had taken George Lucas aside and said,
George, this movie thing has run it's course. No one's gonna top Star Wars, people will probably stop making movies in a couple years time. The future is in catering. You gonna quit the business to grab hold of the future like your ol' pal Mark?
George said no. Undaunted, Mark set up a sandwich store in L.A. called Hamill Sandwiches. Mark liked to keep it simple - no fancy dressings, fillings or bread. He always used to say,
Wholegrain bread? **** that. Some poor schmuck comes in here and chokes on a seed, you think I want a lawsuit on my hands? **** no. White bread or no bread.
Anyway, I'm working there a couple weeks when who comes in but the muscles from Belgium himself: Jean-Claude Van Damme.
JCVD!
I say,
What can I get ya?
He looks the menu up and down before asking,
You don't have any bagels do you?
Bagels are a sore point with Mark, but I don't want to get into that in the middle of a flashback, so he screams from the next room,
Some French pr*** out there asking for a bagel? Tell him to **** off!
JC is a little put out, but I manage to smooth things over and set him up with a straight-up ham, cheese and lettuce sandwich. Which he takes to pieces like Raul Julia in Streetfighter. Afterwards he drops the bomb that he can't pay - doesn't have a dime with him. I try to keep it quiet so that Mark doesn't rush in and start something he can't finish.
I tell you what kid. As payment for a knockout sandwich I'll teach you my martial arts secrets.
I agreed and for the next fifteen minutes he taught me all his signature moves, including how to jump into a splits to support myself over a wet floor while my attackers are electrocuted by their own tazers. We parted ways. Since then I had never needed to use what I learned that day. Until now...
Caan versus Busey. I had to choose my side. There really was no contest - I lept forward towards the gun-toting security guard and took him down with some Hard Target. Another came at me, then another. I opened up with some moves from Bloodsport then followed up with a Universal Soldier-Maximum Risk combo. I switched into the Quest style and took a few bad hits - they had me on the ropes so I jumped in the air and landed in a splits. After that there wasn't much they could do to stop me.
A moment later I'm holding two handguns. I toss one to Jake who covers Scott while I help Gary get clear of Jimmy. Kurt was pretty beat-up. With his face so bloody I couldn't tell if his gift had been compromised yet. Jimmy was real pissed.
Oh, you've made a big mistake Evans. You hear me? I'll see to it you never work in this town again!
Gary knocked him out with a swift kick to the groin (If you're wondering how someone can lose consciousness from a kick to the groin, then I guess you've never seen Gary Busey kick groin).
Let's get outta here before the five-oh show up.
Gary called out. With no other option we turned and went through the departure gate leaving the Caans behind us. Unaccustomed to hijacking as I am, I let Gary run the show as we boarded the plane to Ecuador and made our escape. Sure, we could have hung around and tried to explain the situation to the cops but Jimmy Caan practically owns the LAPD. We had to disappear at least until we could come up with a plan to hit him back.
...well that's that. We're in Ecuador now. Of course, I'm not going to say exactly where. Needless to say Jimmy Caan is running the name Matt Evans into the dirt in Hollywood. Fox have pulled out of Shark Wars, Pauly Walker is claiming he's never met me. Add to that the fact that Gary, Jake, Kurt and I are wanted for assault, hijacking - a whole list of other trumped-up charges...
It's been a bad week for Matt Evans, but Matt Evans always bounces back. Always.