10.03.2005

Kurt Reynolds (part one)

Couple of days ago I'm buying peach schnapps for Gary Busey in a liquor store he's been barred from. The strangest thing happens - I'm walking up to the counter, rearranging everything I'm carrying and I bump into a guy. He looks up and I freeze when I see his face. I'm in complete shock, but I manage to introduce myself,

Matt Evans, writer/director/actor. You've probably heard of me. Do you work in the industry? I mean, you must, right?

He smiles and hands me his business card, which I read on the spot. Thank God his gift isn't being wasted, I think, when I read his occupation. We talk briefly - he seems receptive to working with me - and we set up a lunch for the following day. He leaves and I pay for the schnapps with the jar of change Gary gave me.

Outside Gary's waiting by the Die Hard ambulance.

What to you so long?

he asks.

You're kidding me, right? You didn't see the guy who just walked out of here?
No man, I was just on the phone to Jake. Him and Scotty think they've nailed the whaling thing. It's all figured out. You in?

Gary's son Jake (you might know him as the psycho ghost in the Frighteners) and his buddy Scott Caan have been on to me for the past few months about a plan they have to go whaling. Between them they've read hundreds of books on marine law and the Endangered Species' Act. They're convinced there's some loop hole that would allow them bag a couple Orcas. Gary fills me in:

First of all we each need to be on the payroll of a marine research institution, at least on paper anyway. Jake came across a group in Ecuador which agreed to hire us in exchange for a sizeable donation to pay for a new salt-water tank they need. The only difficulty is that it's a government-funded operation and we need to be Ecuadorian citizens to work for them. Jake says that's not a problem. A quick trip down to Quito, a 50 question multiple-choice exam on Ecuadorian history and a couple US dollars to lubricate the bureaucratic cogs and you're in. After that we can legally study the Orcas off the Californian coast.

Next we need to get our hands on some kind of new drug awaiting FDA approval. Scott found out that there are allowances for testing new drugs on otherwise protected animals if it can be shown that:

..the potential benefits to medical knowledge abrogate those negative affects [on the animal]

We lather up the harpoons with whatever stuff we get a hold of and then it's hunting season. Getting our hands on the new drug could be tricky, but Scott's well connected and thinks it can be done.

To be honest, I have my reservations about the whole plan.

So, who's the guy that held you up inside?

Gary asks, reminding me of my encounter in the liquor store. I hand him the guy's business card which he reads aloud. Gary reads everything aloud.

Kurt Reynolds... Burt Reynolds/Kurt Russell lookalike... two one three five four--

He stops and looks up quizzically,

How the f*** can someone look like Burt Reynolds and Kurt Russell? They're nothing alike!

You really have to see him to get it.

I reply.

Bulls***! I don't buy it. Which of 'em does he look like more?

Both, equally.

This really frustrates Gary, but it was the truth. Plain and simple.

Does he have a moustache?
Listen Gary. I'll lay it out straight

I say,

He's not the best Burt Reynolds lookalike I've ever seen, and he's not the best Kurt Russell lookalike I've seen. But he's the best Burt Reynolds and Kurt Russell lookalike there is. No doubt.

Gary stepped back. He looked a little shook up, but I think he'd finally absorbed the talent I'd just discovered. I could see him running through the possibilities in his head. He was getting really agitated, mouthing words but not saying anything. After a little while he cools down and looks up at me again.

Sounds terrific Matt. Listen, I'm gonna give this schnapps a good home. You in?

I decline the invite. I had to prepare for my meeting with Kurt Reynolds.

The next day we do lunch in a little place I like. I'm actually finding it hard to talk to this guy he has me so blown away with his resemblances. Imagine, me - Matt Evans - lost for words. But I manage to pitch my idea to him.

Remember Twins? Of course you do, it's a good film. But it's not a great film. You know why?

I dunno Matt, why?

Oh my God! I say to myself. He even sounded like Burt Reynolds and Kurt Russell. I mean, I'd heard him talk before that, but something about the way he said "why" reminded me of Burt Reynolds in Cop and a Half, and of Kurt Russell in Escape from New York.

I'll tell you why: it's because Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito don't look at all alike.

I let that sink in. He thinks about it.

Who would believe they're twins? It's ridiculous when you stop and think about it.

You're right Matt. I never thought about it like that.

That's Hollywood -

I reply,

- All smoke and mirrors. They can make you think anything they want... I have a new concept. Something that'll make people forget all about Twins. It's Twins for a new generation.

I knew I had him with that line. I'd been up all night perfecting the delivery in front of a mirror.

What's the idea?

he asks, as eager as Burt Reynolds in Striptease or Kurt Russell in Tequila Sunrise. I smile, and deliver the knockout punch:

Triplets.

I sit back and sip on my latté. Let the magic do it's work Matty. He was stunned. He looked like Kurt Russell in Executive Decision when he realised it was up to him to land the plane, and like Burt Reynolds in Cannonball Run 2 when the chaos of the big fight's over and he remembers the race still hasn't finished. I continue.

Burt Reynolds, you and Kurt Russell play triplets. The plot isn't important. What's important is that when the three of you stand side-by-side audiences will think that two Hollywood greats they know and love are suddenly identical! You're the missing link. A fade-in from one to the other. You'll be like three slightly different shades of the same colour. It'll be beautiful.

You can make this happen?

he asks, eyes wide with excitement.

Perhaps you've forgotten who I am: The name's Matt Evans.

It was a total success. Kurt Reynolds was on board. All I need now is to sign up Burt Reynolds and Kurt Russell, sell it to a studio and write the script.

All in a days work for Matt Evans.