4.04.2006
Finkelstein
Matt... Evans.Two words.
When separated, they're like any other words.
Put them together...
and it's a recipe for explosiveness!
I was all ready to post the second installment of my Academy Awards Adventure, when I had a shocking reminder of just how unable to cope with my explosiveness the general public is. In it's pure uneditted form "The 78th Annual Academy Awards (part two)" would hit most people like an adrenaline shot to the heart administered on a burning rollercoaster!
If you actually wanna know what that feels like you'd have to track down Kenny Grimley - one of a group of kids that was invited out to Neverland a couple years back. Jacko offers him a Hershey's Almond Joy just before they're all getting on a rollercoaster. Kenny's got a serious nut allergy, but doesn't wanna offend Jacko, so he takes a little. After all, what harm could it be?
A lot of harm Kenny!! The kid goes into anaphylactic shock coming out of the first valley. Jacko, sensing something's wrong, lifts up his own grab bar and leaps two carriages to check on Kenny - he lands just in time to grab on before the coaster enters a loop. Had his plastered fingers not gotten a grip at that instant Jacko would have spun off the coaster and been impaled on the roof of the nearby candy floss stand.
He recognises Kenny's symptons instantly and pulls out a large syringe and two viles of adrenaline - at this point I might question the truth of this story. Why would he have that stuff with him? I heard all this from Joe Pesci, who exagerrates at the best of times, but they worked on Moonwalker together so I'm inclined to believe it.
Anyway, Jacko loses his hold on one of the viles and it flies back into the wheels - the last carriage gets derailed and there are sparks raining down all over the place. A fire starts. Jacko only has one vile left and little Kenny's running out of time!
Don't you worry little Kenny, I'm gonna save you!
he says, stabbing Kenny in the heart with the syringe... which, like I said, is how you'd feel if you read my next post before I have time to water it down. For the record, Kenny pulled through and the kids in danger of being burned were picked up by Jacko and thrown from the moving coaster into Neverland Lake.
So what about this reminder of how people can't handle Raw Evans. It all begins with two words:
Snakes... Plane.
Two words.
When separated, they're like any other words.
Put them together...
and it's a recipe for explosiveness!
Putting these two words together was Dave Ellis' stroke of genius in his upcoming movie "Snakes on a Plane", starring Samuel L. Jackson. I guess the "on a" is there to dilute things a little. I don't think anyone's ready for a movie just called "Snakes Plane". Maybe one day...
So SOAP is gonna be big, and I'm excited about seeing it... Maybe I should let the emails tell the story. One thing beforehand. If you, like Finkelstein here, don't know who the Hoogle is then you should probably check out an old post of mine.
Message from Matt Evans; contact form on www.snakesonablog.com ; March 27th
Blogman,
How are you? I'm explosive writer/director/actor Matt Evans, you've probably heard of me.
So I was talking to the Hoogle awhile back (that's Pauly Reubens... maybe you know him as Pee Wee Herman), telling him how much I'm looking forward to the sure-fire blockbuster hit Snakes on a Plane.
"Sammy Jackson taking on a plane load of snakes!", I say, "I'm still reeling from seeing SLJ miss out on the chance to kick some shark ass in Deep Blue Sea. No one wants to see this picture more than me Hoogs!"
Then the Hoog drops the bombshell that there is someone out there more amped about Snakes on a Plane than me - you!
I follow a link to your blog and was blown away by your dedication to your cause! You remind me of a young Daniel Baldwin promoting the advantages of bagels over regular sandwichs a couple years back. No one thought he'd have any effect, but he damn near put Hamill Sandwichs (Mark Hamill's store in L.A.) out of business. Just goes to show you how the little guy (well... maybe not so little) CAN make a difference!
Good luck in your quest man.
Matt Evans
mattsplosion.blogspot.com
It wasn't long before I hear back from the guy:
Email from Brian Finkelstein to Matt Evans; 24th March
Uhm, thanks?
You certainly are explosive.
Brian
Guess he didn't have much to say for himself, but seven hours later he hits me back:
Email from Brian Finkelstein to Matt Evans; Later that day
And, if Paul Reubens really is a fan, I'd love to hear from him.
Brian
This is what the movie industry is all about: Networking. From my mail he saw that I knew the Hoog, Danny B, and Mark Hamill. He takes his pick of who he wants to hook up with - the Hoog. Can I blame him? Not really: If he knows anything about anything, he'll have heard Hamill's quit show business to go into catering. As for Danny... Get introduced to one Baldwin and the next thing you know Willy's droppin' by to keep steaks in your freezer, Stephen wants to borrow your jeans... it's a goddamn can of worms... That said, nothing but love for Adam.
So, a couple days later I get round to replying to Finkelstein:
Email from Matt Evans to Brian Finkelstein; 27th March
Hey Finkelstein,
I guess you haven't heard about Pauly's recent lifestyle choices. The fact that he's seen your site doesn't meet he's a fan... it just means your site is on the internet. As for hearing from him; the Hoog doesn't really interact with people in the traditional sense anymore. The only reason I was talking to him recently is that Mickey Keaton got him to join the crew we assembled to watch Denzel Washington's back atthe Oscars. How Mickey talked him into it I have no idea...
Tell you what, I'll pass on your interest to Hoogs, and maybe you'll hear from him. Don't count on it though.
Maybe it'd be more useful if I hooked you up with Terry Chen. He's in SOAP. Tez and me met back when he was filming The Chronicles of Riddick. Great guy. It was a real shame when Dave Twohy cut the scene with Vin and Tez fighting on top of the mountain on Crematoria. It was explosive stuff - ended with Vinny suplexing Tez onto a stalagmite - he gets impaled on it, then the sun comes up and fries his ass. Tezzie spent 6 hours in make-up getting the melted skin right. They cut the scene cos Vin said "This s*** is too hot to handle" - his exact words.
I dunno. Maybe they'll put it in the sequel... in a flashback or something.
Catch you later Finks.
Matt Evans
mattsplosion.blogspot.com
Haven't heard from Finks since. So this is my point. Finks is a guy who wants to go see a big movie premiere. He wants to mingle with the rich and famous. Meet the men and women that make the entertainment world go round. In short, he wants into Matt Evans' world. I open a door, and he disappears faster than good lighting at a Hugo Weaving publicity photoshoot. Looks like he can't handle mixing with the likes of Terry Chen.
Finks has a petition online, trying to get New Line Cinema to invite him to the premiere of SOAP. For awhile I considered starting my own petition. The Don't Send Finkelstein to the Snakes on a Plane Premiere Petition. It might be for his own good. Can this guy handle what he's asking for!? Maybe it's too explosive for him.
Then I thought, no. Let him go. In a way, Finkelstein reminds me of a younger, less captivating version of myself. He's out there, struggling to make his way in this crazy mixed-up world, trying to see a picture called Snakes on a Plane. A picture about a man, fighting snakes. Snakes on a Plane. And what's wrong with that?