10.02.2005
The Die Hard Ambulance
So my new explosive blog is online for less than 24 hours and I already get a call from the Hoogle (that's the name Pauly Reubens goes by now - you may know him best as Pee Wee Herman). Back in '86 the Hoog did the voice of the alien spaceship in Flight of the Navigator. It was a life-changing experience for him. After filming finished he became obsessed with computers and the idea of artificial intelligence. When the internet exploded onto the scene Pauly was all over it. He knows it inside out. That's where the name 'The Human Google' came from.So anyway, the Hoog wakes me up in the middle of the night (he doesn't sleep much anymore) and he's running through my new blog.
Matty. I love the blog, love it. I've read every single blog on the net and yours blows the rest of them away - Nothing else holds a candle to your explosive life!... But,
That was it - when you get a 'But' from the Hoog you know something's wrong. This guy spends 23 hours a day on the internet absorbing information like a sponge (The other hour he has to sit in a cold bath with a wet cloth on his forehead to cool down his brain). He knows what works and what doesn't. So at this point, I'm all ears. The Hoog is about to give me advice on my webpage, and I can't afford to pass it up.
I hear Matt Evans, I think the Die Hard ambulance. Who doesn't? Everyone in L.A. knows who just went by when the Die Hard ambulance passes. It's the KITT to your Michael Knight, the Max to your kid in Flight of the Navigator! You wanna introduce yourself to the rest of the world, you need to talk about the Die Hard ambulance.
He was right, but then, when is the Hoog ever wrong? I told him I'd get right on it and he hung up without another word. Interpersonal pleasantries have become a thing of the past for the Hoog. Some people miss the old Pauly, but he made his choice. The Hoog is here to stay.
So here's the deal: When I arrived in Hollywood I needed wheels. No one in this town walks or gets the bus - that's why everyone here thought Speed was so ridiculous. Now, after my encounter with Dick Gere under the Y I knew that I was special. I couldn't get any old car. It had to have a history. A history in film, and a future with Matt Evans.
If I was a cheesy guy I would have tried to pick up something like a Ford Torino - the Starsky and Hutch car. But I knew I had to set myself apart. It came to me like a vision. I knew the car I needed, and I spent a month tracking it down.
The ambulance from Die Hard. The ambulance that Theo tries to escape from the Nakatomi Plaza in, only to be creamed by Argyle in the limosine. I had to find this ambulance. I called Clarence Gilyard Jr. (he played Theo) and asked him if he knew where it was. He didn't. But he said De'voreaux White (Argyle) might. I found him and sure enough, he still had the ambulance in his garage. Apparently he had demanded it as part of his fee for playing Argyle.
He wasn't willing to part with it. Too much sentimental value. But I couldn't let this go.
De'voreaux. This ambulance was meant to be driven by Matt Evans.
I said.
Here's the deal: You give it to me, and when I make it big I'll cast you in the lead of one of my pictures.
I knew he'd go for it. At this point in time his last role had been Second Transvestite in Zack Heaton's Shadow Hours. It was a solid role, but he needed another break. Die Hard should have made him pop into the big time but Bruce Willis stole the thunder on that one. When they told De'voreaux that Die Hard 2 would focus on John McClane again, he turned down the small cameo they offered him and almost quit acting.
He accepted my proposal and the ambulance was mine. Obviously I couldn't drive around in a regular ambulance, so I painted it white all over and removed the sirens. It was still pretty dented up on one side from where the limo creamed it, and it's always been a helluva lot easier to turn left than right, but I live in the City of Angels. Anyone who knows L.A. well knows three lefts are as good as a right.
I hadn't been driving the Die Hard ambulance for more than a couple weeks when I was in a crash. I've always been a great multi-tasker - so there I was driving down Sunset Boulevard while reading my favorite book: "Pearl Harbor - the Movie and the Moment" by Jerry Bruckheimer.
Bam! I get blindsided passing through and intersection. After I came to a stop and finished the paragraph I was on I stepped out of the car to check out the damage. I couldn't believe what had happened. The ambulance wasn't too badly beat-up, but who had hit me? None other than Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in his yellow Hummer. Of course, this is afew years ago now so he wasn't governor at the time.
He steps out and strides over. Takes two cigars out of his jacket - passes one to me and lights them both casually. The two of us, standing there in the middle of an intersection smoking Cubans. He speaks,
Yohr van lucks like a peece of shid widda hangova.
Obviously he didn't recognise it. I tell him it's the Die Hard ambulance.
No kidding! Yoo know Bruce Willis is a gud frend oh mine. I used to own a chain of restahrants widdim. Planed Holleewudd.
Good burgers.
Yuwar dam rite good burgers.
Maybe it wasn't the best time, but I couldn't resist trying to get Arnie on board with one of my projects. I told him.
Arnold. I'm Matt Evans, the explosive writer/director/actor - you've probably heard of me. I would love to work on a project with you sometime. We should do lunch and talk over afew ideas.
He paused. He seemed troubled.
Matt, I herd alodda boolshid in my time bud I know yuwar nod boolshidding me. I can see it in yohr eyes. Yoo have an explosive talent and ten years aggo I wudduv been all ova dis deal. But not now. I'm retihring from da moovie bizniss.
I was shocked. Had it come down to me, Matt Evans, to convince the great Arnold Schwarzenegger to keep making blockbuster hits? He went on,
Affta End of Days I knew I cudden go on. I had to stop making moovies. Not becozz id wassen verking anymohr, or becozz peepul didden wahn me to. I just felt I cudd be doing something mohwah.I thought about it.
But after End of Days you made the blockbuster success The 6th Day.
Yuwar rite. But I had to. It was a stohree dat had to be tohld. Peepul needed to be made awayah of da dangers of human cloning. I had to do someting to let everyone know.
He took a knowing drag on his cigar. I realised that this was a changed Arnold Schwarzenegger. This wasn't the same Arnold who spent the 80's and 90's killing James Earl Jones' Thulsa Doom, Michael Biehn's Kyle Reese, Vernon Wells' Bennett, Robert Davi's Max Keller, the Predator, Professor Toru Tanaka's Sub Zero, Ed O'Ross' Viktor Rostavili, Ronny Cox' Vilos Cohaagen, Robert Patrick's T-1000, Charles Dance's Benedict, Art Malik's Salim Abu Aziz, Jimmy Caan's Robert Degeurin and Gabriel Byrne's Satan! This was a changed man before me.
He'd conquered the body-building world. He'd conquered the entertainment industry. It was time to move on.
Matt
he said,
Yoo seem like a shahrp guy. Watt do yoo think I shudd do wid da resta my life?I replied,
Arnold.
How do you like the sound of Governor Scwharzenegger?
He tossed his head back and laughed a great booming laugh.
Matt. Yuwar my kinda basstadd!
We laughed together while the motorists we were holding up looked on in awe. What happened next for Arnold? Well, you know rest of the story. Could any of this happened if it hadn't been for De'voreaux White parting with the Die Hard ambulance? I guess we'll never know.