1.28.2006
Contest
6:55:01 am, Today.Roof of the U.S. Bank Tower,
633 West 5th St.,
L.A.
Alt: 1,018 feet above street level.
Just after sunrise. The three of us stand silently on the roof. I turn to my left, give the nod. Then to my right. Thumbs up. A pause... We run - straight towards the edge. In that moment you can just make out the sound of your heart pumping over the shifting gravel underfoot. Suddenly, there's no ground below me. I hang there for an instant before I start to fall.
Lunch, Yesterday.
A Downtown Restaurant with Good Shrimp,
At street level.
David Caruso and I pull up outside the place in his car. We're here to talk over a script I sent to him - "Seven Ten Split", a bowling sci-fi thriller. We step out as the valet greets us. Dave's about to hand the guy his keys, but pulls them back at the last moment and fixes his hands on his hips.
We need to get something straight...
He tilts his shades to get a better view of the guy's name tag,
...Raul. Back there in my glove box I have a pack of spearmint gum. There are six pieces left. It's my gum Raul, not yours. If, when I get back, there are five pieces or less, then pretty soon the only thing you'll be chewing is a low-grade state-owned pillow, while your 300 pound cellmate bangs your-
Dave!
I cut in,
Just let him park the car!
6:55:09 am, Today.
Alt: 986 feet
Downward velocity: 22 mph
It's the last Saturday of the month which can mean only one thing: I'm base jumping with Denzel Washington and Michael Keaton. Usually all five of us go, but Lisa Kudrow and Tom Arnold were busy this time round. The Zelman's just below and to the left of me, Mickey's a little further away - He needs more room for the acrobatics he pulls.
If you've never been, let me tell you this: Base jumping is a great way to unwind after a tough week. And have I had a tough week! Dave Caruso's a difficult guy to work with, but what could I do? He was perfect for the part of Alexei - the ex-KGB amateur bowling champion in Seven Ten Split. I wanted him on board.
Yesterday:
We're sitting at the table throwing some ideas back and forth about the script. Dave liked the characters, but was critical of one or two aspects of the storyline. The waitress arrives.
Hi, I'm Vanessa. I'll be your waitress.
Dave cuts straight in-
That's right Vanessa, and that's all you'll ever be. You watch rich people come in and out of this place everyday and you ask yourself, "Why not me? Why not Vanessa?" Why not? I'll tell you why not, Vanessa. It's because your a lowdown scumbag.
The girl stares at him speechless. He turns away to look at the menu again. A beat passes before she looks at me. I say the only thing you can say at a time like that:
I think I'll start off with the shrimp.
6:55:12 am, Today.
Alt: 823 feet
Downward velocity: 51 mph
It was a stressful lunch, but all my worries about it were falling away as I accelerated towards the street below. I turn to look over at the Zelman. He always pulls his chute first - If you're interested, Kudrow always pulls last. Landed real bad because of it one time. It's a little known fact but she filmed most of the last season of Friends on two broken ankles.
Denzel's looking worried. He'll pull out soon. I turn to Mickey. He's into some crazy spinning somersault maneuver - he's just a blur of Keaton.
Yesterday:
We're finishing up the main course. Dave's talking me through his issues with Seven Ten Split.
I love the premise Matt. A bunch of guys trapped inside a bowling alley. Under siege. They spend the time planning their escape, but when the pressure gets too much, they bowl.
It's never been done.
No Matt, it hasn't. My problem though, it what's outside waiting for them.
Yeah, robotic dinosaurs from the future.
Exactly... Robotic dinosaurs from the future. It doesn't sit well with me Matt. To be honest, I don't really like robots... or dinosaurs.
6:55:13 am, Today.
Alt: 741 feet
Downward velocity: 60 mph
Who the hell doesn't like robots and dinosaurs!?
Yesterday:
I don't know how to pitch a movie about robotic dinosaurs to a guy who doesn't like robots or dinosaurs - but I have to come up with something. While I'm thinking our waitress walks by. Dave doesn't pass up the opportunity:
How about instead of some futuristic enemies outside the bowling alley, we have some present day lowlifes? - No good punks like Vanessa here.
She stops.
Listen Mr. Caruso! I really don't know what I've done to offend you but-
That's exactly my problem with you Vanessa. You don't know what you've done to offend me. That makes you the worst kind of scumbag of all: A scumbag who doesn't know she's a scumbag. Well here's a news flash for you... You're a scumbag. I may not like Raul out there, rifling through peoples' cars to see what he can get his dirty little paws on, but at least he has the decency to know that he's a scumbag.
She was pretty shaken up. Dave takes this sort of thing in his stride though.
6:55:14 am, Today.
Alt: 648 feet
Downward velocity: 68 mph
Coming up to 70 mph. I expect the Zelman to pull his chute right about... now. S***! The chute comes storming out of Z's back and doesn't unfold - one of the cords has been cut - it's useless. In about 5 seconds Denzel Washington was going to have an unpleasant encounter with an unforgiving sidewalk, at over 90 mph!
...I guess I should finish up the Caruso story quickly so I can focus on this.
Yesterday:
Turns out the valet and the waitress had just started working at the restaurant that week. And they weren't there for the tips - They had a plan worked out to kidnap Arsenio Gomez (a low-level advisor to Mexican President Vicente Fox). Arsenio was in town and had a reservation for later on that day. Some drug cartel wanted their hands on this guy.
I don't know how, but one way or another Caruso worked out something was up when he saw Raul and Vanessa. Long story short, Dave's gibes threw them off balance and there was a brief shootout. Dave got clipped in the shoulder, but he dropped the pair of them easily. Last I heard they're both critical but stable.
Wow Dave,
I say,
That was weird... So, you gonna do the movie?
He puts his hands on his hips.
You know Matt, I don't think I will. It's a solid project and I wish you well, but, as you can see... people need me elsewhere.
What?... Are you saying this sort of thing happens a lot?
In a word, yes.
6:55:16 am, Today.
Alt: 428 feet
Downward velocity: 81 mph
Angling my body just right, I glide down towards Denzel. Grabbing him with one hand, I bundle up his flailing chute with the other. Once it's out of the way I shout to him:
Hold on tight Z!
I pull my cord. S***! The same thing again - My chute flies out of my backpack, still attached to me, but with enough cords cut to make it useless. The coroner wont be able to tell us apart if we land like this! I look over at Mickey - his chute's opened successfully. Why? I think back to the roof:
6:45:30 am, Today.
Alt: 1,018 feet
Mickey's near the edge rigging his chute. I'm still waiting for the Zelman to arrive with mine. Finally he shows up!
Sorry Matt, the usual guy wasn't their to rig our chutes. Some French guy was filling in for him.
He tosses me the pack. I strap it on without a second thought.
6:55:17 am, Today.
Alt: 304 feet
Downward velocity: 87 mph
Damn it! What was I thinking trusting a Frenchman with my parachute!?
I guess this is it Matt!
Denzel shouts up. He was right. With no more than two seconds to act what hope did we have?
6:55:54 am, Today.
Alt: 0 feet
Downward velocity: 0 mph
Matthew Evans and Denzel Washington are dead.
...
...
...
Or so we would be if it hadn't been for my quick thinking and the execution of a death-defying plan in the last second of our fall!
6:55:18 am, Today.
Alt: 173 feet
Downward velocity: 91 mph
What
would
Scarecrow
do?
...Of course! No time to explain my plan to the Zelman - I just act. As quickly as possible, I tied the loose ends of our parachutes together. We were then connected back-to-back by a long strip of nylon. I swing around Z so that we're positioned with my feet pressed against his. Pulling him closer I see that he now understands the plan. He nods. Together, we push apart - feet away from away feet - the parachutes stretching out between us.
Picture it: A long nylon rope stretched out horizontally, with Oscar-winning actor Denzel Washington on one end, and explosive talent Matthew Evans on the other. In the middle, approaching from below at 90 mph: a street lamp.
The middle of our parachute lifeline - where I had tied the knot - lands cleanly on top of the lamp post. And so begins the 90 mph double human pendulum of death! On the first swing round we narrowly miss each other, again on the second. As we orbit the top of the lamp post the rope joining us wraps around and gets shorter - meaning we go faster!! - courtesy of the law of conservation of angular momentum.
Only one solution makes sense. At the lowest point of our third orbit we escape the deathtrap, releasing our backpacks at the same instant. We're now flying apart, the ground just feet below us, at over 90 mph. We're gonna have to land running.
I tried to stay on my feet for as long as I could, managing maybe 3 seconds. Denzel later told me he tucked and rolled from the outset. I can't say I envy him - the rolling was the worst part. The friction's a killer. But we made it.
After I stopped and put out my jacket (It didn't take much heat before it burst into flames), I started to walk back the three blocks to the bottom of the U.S. Bank Tower. I meet the Zelman there. He's looking a little beat up, but it could've been a lot worse.
Close call,
he says. I'm about to reply when I hear someone calling out for help. We look around the corner and find Mickey Keaton slamming some guy up against a wall. The Zelman recognizes him,
That's the French guy that rigged our chutes!
Mickey turns,
I found him lurking round here when I landed. Looks like he wanted to make sure everything went according to plan.
He turns back to the fearful Frenchman, and lifts him up by the collar.
Huh? Is that right Frenchie? Wanted to see the splatter?
No! No! Please, I don't know what you're talking about. I swear to God!
Swear to ME!!!
I cringe. Mickey's been using that line at every opportunity since he saw Chris Bale say it in Batman Begins. I tried to call him on it once but he claims he was using it first. Denzel cuts in,
Let him go Michael.
What? He tried to kill you!
Let him go.
He repeats. Mickey does. The cowardly Frenchman runs off. I turn to Z, puzzled. Mickey asks the question first:
What was that about? Now we wont know who was behind this!
I already know... It gets worse every year.
We don't know what he's talking about, so he explains:
The Oscar Contest. My name's being thrown about to present one of the awards. This was a message. When the time comes they'll want me to read out the right name. After the nominations are announced I'll probably get a call from Ang Lee or someone. Nothing explicit, but whoever it is, they'll let me know they were behind this.
Shocked, I reply,
That's crazy Zelman!... Well, all I can say is I'm glad it's over.
Z snuffs a laugh,
It isn't over Matt. The Contest has just begun.