12.23.2005
A Series of Unfortunate Events
I'd just had a very productive lunch with Bruce Willis. We bounced around a few ideas and put together some concepts that could work. Really work. On the way out of the restaurant he turns to me and says,Matt. I like the way you think. You stay outside the box.
Bruce,
I reply,
I've never even seen the box.
He laughs. But his laughter is cut short when he sees who's coming towards us on the sidewalk - Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. I try to prepare myself for what could be a very awkward encounter. When we finally come together Bruce introduces me:
Matt Evans, meet Demi and Ashton.
Everyone calls me The Kutch.
Bruce smiles politely and adds,
Not everyone.
There's a couple handshakes and such, then a brief silence. The sort of silence that would make a blind person think he's just gone deaf. Bruce smiles again, differently this time, and suggests I tell Ashton about the robot movie we'd been talking over. Ashton nearly explodes!
ROBOTS! I love robots! What kind of robots are they? I bet they're cool, are they?
I'm a little taken aback, but I fill Ashton in. Meanwhile Demi is staring at Bruce, who continues to grin at Ashton.
Well, we were talking about remaking Gigantor - the 60's cartoon.
AAAAAAAAH---
Ashton screams - everyone jumps a little. At first I think he's in pain - like his appendix has just burst or something - but then the cry builds into a word and he starts talking excitedly,
--AAAAIIIII love Gigantor! He's the coolest robot there is!
He starts talking quickly about something called "Rocket Punch" and swinging his fists madly. I have to step back to avoid getting hit, though there's no avoiding the spittle.
Ashton!
Demi finally says,
Calm down.
She seems quite angry though I'm not sure why. Bruce is clearly enjoying the whole scene. He smiles at Ashton and tells him there might be a part for him in the picture - we hadn't discussed this at lunch. Ashton's whole body starts shaking and his eyes are open so wide I'm afraid his eyeballs'll pop straight out.
AAAAAA--
He begins again. Before we can find out what word the high-pitched scream is developing into, he's interupted by a familiar voice:
There you are!
We turn to see Cameron Diaz - looking pissed - with Justin Timberlake standing a step behind her, holding her sleeve and peering over her shoulder.
Demi. My Justin has just told me that Ashton punked him. Did you know anything about this?
Demi is despairing, and doesn't have a chance to respond before Ashton cuts in:
That was aaaaaaaaaages ago! And it's punk'd, not punked!
Cameron turns to Justin,
Justin, when did this happen?
He whispers a reply in her ear.
Why did you wait so long to tell me!?
Justin moans his reply while looking down at his feet.
Excuse me? I can't hear you when you mumble like that.
Because I told you it doesn't matter. Why can't you just forget about it?
Cameron turns back to Demi and starts telling her what a bad influence Ashton is on Justin. Bruce is clearly loving the whole thing. I'm the only one to notice Ashton move over towards Justin and whisper something in his ear. Justin looks excited and shocked at the same time - he stares up at me and shouts,
How come Ashton gets to be in Gigantor and not me!? I wanna be in Gigantor too!
I don't know what to say, but it seems like Justin is on the verge of tears. Ashton is delighted. Justin moves over to Cameron and starts tugging on her sleeve until she turns to him.
Cam! Make this man put me in Gigantor.
Quiet Justin, I'm talking to Demi.
But Caaaaaam!
Quiet!
She turns to me,
I'm sorry. He gets like this when he hasn't had his juice.
I nod, not knowing what else to do. I turn to Bruce who is shaking violently trying to contain his laughter. Suddenly he stops, and all the color leaves his face. I turn to see what he's looking at: Lindsay Lohan is marching towards us with an angry grimace on her face.
Hey honey,
he manages when she arrives. I turn to Justin to ask if he knew Bruce and Lindsay were still going out but pause when I see he's doing 'the robot' - the best damn robot I've ever seen.
I can't belieeeeeeeeeeeve you Bruce! You were supposed to come pick me up!
Oh yeah, sorry about that I-
EVERYONE saw me standing there like a complete douche waiting for you- it was sooooooo embarrassing!
Demi now seems to have cheered up, but then gets berated by Cameron for smiling during such an important conversation. By now everyone's talking over each other and it's hard to make out what anyone is saying. I look at Justin who has stopped dancing. He's just staring at me. Ashton is staring at him. A beat passes. Justin turns meekly to Ashton, who nods encouragingly. Justin faces me again and suddenly screams at the top of his lungs - silencing everyone else -
ROCKET PUNCH!
He swings his right fist, with the force of his whole body behind it, and connects squarely with my gut! I double over and fall to my knees. Justin smiles excitedly and asks me,
Can I be in the movie now?
I'm unable to answer - or to do much else. Ashton bursts into thunderous laughter. Cameron starts screaming and grabs hold of Justin. Above everything else I can hear Ashton saying over and over,
You just got punk'd!
I'm not sure what else is going on cos I'm really worried something inside my body has popped. I know I can hear Lindsay talking to Bruce,
Come on! Let's get outta here, this is so embarrassing!
I hear Cameron and Justin,
Are you crazy!?
Apologize to him right now mister.
But you don't understand! That was the audition. Ashton said that-
Ashton said? Demi! Do you hear this?
I lift my head up to see if anyone's coming to help me out, but I can tell it ain't gonna happen. Everyone is shouting. Above it all I can make out Lindsay repeating over and over,
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
Suddenly Demi screams, silencing everyone,
Will you kids just shut up!?
The only sounds now are a damped whimper coming from a wide-eyed J.T., and my occassional coughing. Demi has this weird expression on her face, like she'd said something she wished she hadn't. Bruce and Cameron look a little awkward too. They rush a couple goodbyes, Bruce says he'll call me and a moment later I'm lying on the sidewalk alone.
Five maybe ten minutes pass before I manage to get up onto my hands and knees. Was I embarrassed lying in the street like that? Maybe - it was a first for Matt Evans. But this is L.A., it's not that unusual. In fact, while I was lying there I'm pretty sure I could see Edward Furlong sleeping under an SUV across the street.
I get up, but I'm still not feeling too hot - and it must've been easy to read cos a car pulled up next to me.
Oh my gawd! Matty is that you!? What happened!?
It was Jay Lowe, the Puerto Rican transvestite that lives in the apartment across the hall from mine. Jay's an actor. In fact, he was all lined-up to play the hitman in Collateral. It would've been his big break. Couple days before filming starts Tom Cruise walks into Mike Mann's office and breaks it down for him:
Mikey,
he smiles,
You gotta put me in this picture. I know you wanna throw the audience off balance with this Vincent character, but let me ask you this: What would be more shocking? A Peurto Rican shemale assassin, or Tom Cruise.... with grey hair?
The rest is history. But Jay's doing ok - he's got a part in an all-male adaptation of the classic 1950's musical Guys and Dolls. I explain to Jay that Justin Timberlake just knocked the wind out of me with some kind of 'N Sync One Inch Punch. He offers me a lift. I'm a little puzzled, cos I know Jay doesn't own a car.
Oh, well I'm getting a lift home from this kind gentleman.
I look inside the car and see Eddie Murphy - I wave in.
Heh heh heh,
he replies. Jay goes on,
I was just coming out of the theater, after rehearsals for Guys and Dudes, when Eddie pulled up and offered me a lift. You can come too. Right Eddie?
Eddie gets out of the car and takes something out of the trunk. He comes over,
Sure. Problem is, the heater in my car's busted. You better put these on.
He offers me a fur coat and... what seems to be a long blonde wig.
Thanks, but it's 60 degrees out. I think I'll be ok.
He looks at me seriously.
It's cold in the car.
I didn't feel like arguing, so I went along with it. Once we're on our way I decide to take the opportunity to talk film ideas with Eddie. I figure first of all I'll let him know how much I enjoy his work, so I start out:
So Eddie. Any word on Beverly Hills Cop 4? If it's half as good as the third one you're onto a sure thing.
He didn't seem to take the compliment well, so I take another approach.
You know I've always admired your choice of roles. You took a real chance on the Golden Child.
I turn to Jay to explain what I assume Eddie already knows,
I mean, this is years before Mel did the Passion. Back then if you told someone you wanna do a religious picture they would've thought you were some kind of nut.
I turn back to Eddie, whose brow is a little furrowed now,
A courageous piece of work. It opened a lot of doors.
Yeah.
He replies quietly. I don't seem to be getting through to him. I give it one more shot.
Hey! you know what I saw on TV last night? The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Man, that hits the spot every time.
The car screechs to a halt. Eddie speaks without looking at me.
Get the f*** outta my car.
I'm shocked. Jay seems unsure of what to say.
I don't have to put up with this sarcastic bulls***. Get the f*** outta my car.
Eddie, I didn't mean-
Get out now.
I do. I'm about to offer him the coat and wig back, but he pulls away before I get the chance. So I walk home - it's only a couple more blocks. In hindsight I probably should've taken off the coat and wig, but I was more concerned with the pain in my gut.
I get back home, and who's waiting outside but Gary Busey. He looks at me cock-eyed.
What the hell Matt? What're you doing dressed like Keira Knightley?
What?... Do you even know who Keira Knightley is?
He looks confused.
What, you mean there's actually someone called Keira Knightley? I thought it was just a phrase. You know, like, 'Hey, what're you doing dressed like Keira Knightley?'
I had no idea what he was talking about. Most of my conversations with Gary are like this, but I usually edit them down for the blog. He goes on.
Listen Matt. I got some news for you about Kurt Reynolds.
I nod.
He's dead Matt. Kurt Reynolds is dead.
To be continued...