11.20.2006
air/sick
So I finally decided to meet this Miyazaki thing head on and resolve it. The legal mumbo jumbo's been going on for months now and we're no closer to putting it to bed. Don't get me wrong; Cassius is a great lawyer, but sometimes you just gotta finish things man to man. Something told me that's all Miyazaki was waiting for anyway. So I call up Miyazaki (against Cassius' advice) and tried to lay it out for him.
Hayao! It's Matt Evans.
I left him hanging for a moment, you know, I figure the memory of our fight in the rafters above the Kodak theater must've been flooding back to him. His deadly attacks, my faster-than-sound counters, and the 5 hit combo culminating in an uppercut that sent him plummetting 40 feet - to the shock and awe of the Hollywood glitterati below. I wondered if he heard me, as he lay in the craterous remains of the grand piano that bore his fall, speaking the cold words of my victory taunt:
You've just been spirited away.
Flashing back to the present I finally hear him pronounce my name, slowly, as if he's deep in thought.
Ebanzu...
Following by,
Evans...
The husky American accent of his translator. Miyazaki speaks again, his translator speaking over him before he's finished.
So, Matthew Evans! You've finally decided to confront your greatest foe. Are you ready to embark on a path that may lead to your ultimate destruction?
I'm always ready Hayao. I'm ready for things I don't even know anything about yet except to know that I'm ready... for those things.
Your confidence is great Evans. Greater still is the unyielding force of my Penetrating Tiger Claw attack!
I really don't know hot to reply to things like that. I think that's part of the reason that Miyazaki and I got off on the wrong foot - that and the fact that he was trying to kill Denzel Washington. Miyazaki laughs, hard, then starts talking quickly. His translator booms an even louder laugh.
Ha ha ha! Your silence speaks volumes about your unpreparedness to meet me in battle. Perhaps victory is already mine! Ha ha ha!
I kicked your limey ass before Miyazaki and I can do it again!
Crap! I called him a limey. My racial slurs always get mixed up in the heat of an argument. Hopefully the translator took care of it for me.
Silence! Our previous encounter was not an even match... I was jet lagged.
Ha! I could fly around the world twice and still take you to school Hayao.
Then come Evans! Come to Japan and meet your doom!
He hangs up. A whole hour later I'm at LAX getting ready to board a plane to Tokyo (the delay was on account of having to brief Malamar for a meeting with some Miramax execs the next day - so long as they didn't ask anything too unexpected he was well prepped).
Thinking about it, I decided that maybe Miyazaki was right. A twelve hour flight can take a lot out of anyone - even Matt Evans - so I decided to make it as comfortable as possible and went for first class. Problem with that is the number of celebrities who you come across behind that little red curtain in the sky. How was I gonna be able to get any rest with those kind of networking possibilities?
Waiting to board I didn't see anyone I recognised. Good start. The problems began on the plane when I found my seat - right next to Busta Rhymes.
Damn bwoy! You just gonna stand there or are you gonna sit the f*** down!?
I sit and introduce myself.
Hi Busta, great to meet you. I'm Matt Evans, explosive writer/director/actor/music producer.
Ok. So I'm not a producer, and I have no intentions of being one, but I figure it could work as an in with Busta - then I talk him round to looking at some roles for him.
Good for you. But I ain't talking business bro! I've got too much s*** on my mind.
He turns away and goes back to reading his book. It's an old book - real old. Written in... not English. I guess I'm gonna have to work a little harder.
What're you reading?
He looks up. He ain't happy. He pauses for a moment but then decides he can talk to me.
What do you know about the Mayans?
I heard a little bit about them Busta, but remind me. Do they roll with the Bloods or the Crips?
He stares at me. I swear to God, if he wasn't worried about being thrown off the plane I think he would've kicked me in the head right there.
They were an ancient Mesoamerican civilization fool! One of the most advanced nations ever to have walked the earth - They had their s*** together tighter than most folks do today. Some people figure they must've had contact from... someone else.
He points upwards, raising his eyebrows with the motion.
So the book is about the Mayans?
Man, this is the only known copy of the complete Popol Vuh. It includes the fifth volume - the secrets of Vucub Caquix's netherworld dominion. My girl Rah Digga hooked me up with it.
Oh.. So, uh what happened to these Mayan guys?
No ones knows. They faded out and took most of they secrets with them.
Busta seemed moved. The was a side to Busta Rhymes the public rarely see. Sombre Busta. A Busta eager to learn the lessons of human history.
I wouldn't have taken you for someone so interested in the past Busta.
F*** dog! This ain't about the past, it's about the future!
He leans a little closer.
The Mayan calendar was incredibly advanced for their time. Day to day they had a short term system. 18 months, 20 days each. 5 nameless days in the mix when the dead come back and f*** people up nasty. Long term they had another system to keep track of the centuries. Synchronizing this s*** up, the year 2012 will be the end of the Mayan's 13th b'ak'tun... When times runs out.
I stare at him for a moment. He leans forward and whispers.
These f****** were advanced. Too advanced. A lotta folk think that the Mayan gods - Gukumatz, Ixchel, even Cabrakan, were all extra terrestrials. Alien motherf******. Mayan's make a deal with these guys - a few sweet b'ak'tun cycles and then BAM! The motherships come back in 2012 and f*** us! Bottom line: we got 6 years left to get our s*** together!
This came straight out of left field. I really wasn't expecting Busta Rhymes to tell me aliens were on their way to destroy and/or f*** humanity. Then I remembered something...
Uh, Busta. Didn't you think the world was gonna end in 2000. Y2K or something?
His shoulders shake as he laughs quietly.
Man, the world did end in 2000.
He smiles at me in silence.
Uh...
Y2K wasn't s***. It was a cover story those b******* at CERN came up with to distract people from the real danger.
CERN?
Don't you know anything fool? CERN is the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire. A couple particle accelerators just outside Geneva. Those f****** used to slam particles together as relativistic speeds and watch all kinds of s*** shoot out. On New Year's Eve back in '99 they were gonna run an experiment at higher energy than ever before. Those motherf****** knew that if our universe was in a false vacuum state the s*** they were trying to pull could cause a quantum tunnelling process that would end the whole goddamn show.
I had no idea what Busta was talking about.
What happened next?
On New Year's Eve I went into CERN hot, backed up by Flipmode squad. We took the best brains in the world and painted the walls with them... But we were too late - the run had already started. The f****** did it. They destroyed the entire universe!
I'm nodding along the whole time but stop when I hear this.
Busta... if the universe was destroyed... where are we?
Damn fool! I already said it was our original universe! Ain't you seen The One? There are many universes. After it began we only had a matter of minutes before the gauge coupling constants defining our physics got f***** and we all got torn apart by whole new kinds of forces. Rampage, head physicist of Flipmode, came up with an idea - If we could jerry-rig both proton synchrotrons to bombard entangled antimatter targets simultaneously, we could induce a tachyon surge in time to reverse the polarity of the antiproton decellerator and phase shift our earth into a parallel universe.
What?
We could blow a bubble around the earth and let it float away before the universe falls apart.
Ok, that makes sense... Did it work?
Of course it worked! You alive ain't you?... We named this new universe The Keep in Movin Universe, after a track Rampage and me laid down back in '96.
I think about this. It's alot to absorb... but there was something I was missing.
If this is a parallel universe... why aren't there two earths? Ours and some parallel version.
Ha! We materialized right on top of those motherf******! Disintegrated they parallel asses. Flipmode plays for keeps!
Obviously I had more questions. Either Busta Rhymes had saved everyone on earth... and killed everyone on a parallel earth... or he was completely insane... or both.
Of course, we couldn't let this s*** happen again, so we have members of Flipmode infultrated into every particle accelerator experiment around the world. But that's not all-
Um, excuse me gents...
We both turn to see Kelsey Grammar, holding a small case and smiling politely.
I'm awfully sorry to interrupt, but there seems to be something of a mix-up.
Get to the f***** point Frasier!
Quite right. Well, it seems you're in my seat.
He's talking to me. I check my boarding pass again and it turns out I'm a couple rows out.
Sorry about that Kelse.
I say, getting up.
Oh! Please don't mention it,
He begins, before adding with an impish grin,
As Hemmingway was all too fond of saying, "A man-
Damn! You bwoys wanna hold up the whole goddamn flight? I've gotta meet my man Spliff Star in Tokyo in 13 hours. Man's got some hot s*** about these Mayan ETs that he couldn't even drop on a secure line!
We pick up the pace. A minute later I'm off to my real seat. And maybe it's for the best. I could actually get the chance to relax without sitting beside Busta the whole way to Tokyo... or so I thought.
Turns out I'd be sitting between David Hayter (the writer of The Scorpion King and X-Men 2, as well as the voice of Metal Gear Solid's lead character, Solid Snake) and Ryan Murphy (creator of TV's most successful plastic surgery-based action dramedy, nip/tuck).
Hayter! Murphy! What a double team!
Ryan: Matt? Matt Evans? Sit down man! Let's make this two-way action a ménage à trois!
Hayter growls something under his breath... or maybe he just growls.
Ryan: Great to meet you Matt. Famke told me all about you.
Me and Famke go way back. I nod,
Thanks Ryan. So what's bringing you to Japan?
Research... for the show. I'm looking for some inspiration. You?
I'm going to fight Hayao Miyazaki.
Really? You got something against animators? Famks told me about that brawl you started over at Pixar.
No, that was completely different.
I took a real beating at the hands of those Pixar guys - I generally try to avoid any discussion of it - So I turn to Hayter, see what his story is.
How about you Dave? Why are you going to Japan?
He grunts a bitter laugh. Then begins in a gravelly baritone,
Japan. I didn't think I'd be back. They told me Metal Gear 3 was the last of the series... that I could... finally put it all behind me. But no. It's never that easy. They needed me. One... more... time...
Are you kidding me? Why wouldn't you wanna voice another Metal Gear? You're the only guy who could do it! You're a legend!
Don't take me up wrong here. I'm not one of these video game nerds, but you gotta make an exception for Metal Gear. If Jack Bauer ever took an hour off during one of the longest days of his life, it'd be to play Metal Gear.
Legend... Maybe legend is just another word for a man who does the jobs no one else will take. A man so far gone, that's he's forgotten the real reason he began it all.
He stares at the head rest in front, furrowing his brow slightly. I'm not sure if he's finished... I open my mouth to speak and he continues,
Everyone needs to find their own purpose in life. Something not determined by where they come from, or by their genes. It's a decision they have to make for themselves.
He pauses again. I take the chance to jump in:
Yeah-
-and the worst thing a person can do is leave that decision to someone else. Because if we don't decide who we are, we're not really anyone at all.
The sentence comes to an end and I try a new approach:
Hey Ryan, what's-
I thought I know who I wanted to be. I went through life alway thinking that-
Suddenly the intercom comes to life and Hayter has to stop while we listen to the captain.
Hey everybody, welcome aboard this non-stop flight to Bogota... Hey I'm only kidding, you're alright. We're going to Japan. Hell of a place Japan. Folks over there treat you right... not like here. Uh, I don't get no respect.
Ryan leans over to me and whispers:
Is Rodney Dangerfield gonna be flying this plane?
I laugh, but Ryan looks deadly serious.
I'm your pilot, Captain Jacob Cohen, and your copilot today is Charlie Buchinsky. Uh, Charlie - what a drunk! I tell ya, this guy's got more DUIs than flight hours! Boy does he wish his Lexus came with an autopilot...
Ryan: I'm telling you, that's Rodney Dangerfield! Don't you recognise his voice?
Me: Rodney Dangerfield died two years ago.
Ryan: Or so he would have us believe. Haven't you ever seen that Bruce Campbell Elvis picture?
Hayter: Elvis picture?
Pilot: Our flight time today will be 13 hours... 13 hours! Boy, I haven't sat in one place for that long since the last time I had an hour long lunch with my wife. That's a thinker folks. If you still don't get it after take off just ask one of the cabin crew. But I ain't lying - my wife's a real piece of work. We'd usually cruise at 30,000 feet but today I'll take her up to 40, just to put a little more distance between us. All that remains to be said is have a lousy flight... Hey, I'm kidding! Give yourselves a hand folks, you're alright.
The intercom crackles off. Most people sit in silence for a moment, although there are some scattered claps around the cabin. Before we know it we're in the air.
So for awhile Ryan is explaining the plot of this Bruce Campbell movie to Hayter. Hayter listens intently, only interrupting to repeat something Ryan said in the form of a question.
Ryan: So Elvis didn't die in '77. He had already switched places with an impersonator.Hayter's looking real thoughtful the whole time.
Hayter: Impersonator?
Ryan: Yeah. The impersonator dies and the real Elvis keeps on living. But no one knows. He lives to old age in some retirement home, along with an old black guy who says he's JFK. Claims they dyed his skin after the assination attempt.
Ryan: Everything's fine, except for Elvis' impotence, until a 2000 year old mummy shows up and starts stealing the souls of the residents.
Hayter: A mummy? You mean, some kind of... Bubba Ho-tep?
Ryan: Exactly.
Hayter's impressed. He goes on to tell us that he hasn't heard such a credible storyline in years - not since before he started working on Metal Gear in '98.
Ryan: But you see what I'm saying?
Hayter: What you're saying?
Ryan: About the pilot... What if, years ago, Rodney Dangerfield had switched places with this Jacob Cohen guy. Some pilot. Jacob kicks the bucket with everyone thinking he's Rodney...
Hayter: ...and Dangerfield keeps racking up the airmiles... Huh.
Hayter snorts a cynical laugh.
Hayter: Who would've thought it?
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
Come on Hayter, this is crazy!
Hayter: Crazy? Crazy is one man taking another man's life, looking into his eyes as his soul sinks into oblivion. You think you know crazy? You ever seen a man burn to death underwater? Have you?... Living a lie in a world where truth is the only thing of value...
He stares into middle distance and goes on talking. Once it seems like he's lost interest in me, I turn to Ryan and quietly ask,
Ryan, are you serious?
As syphilis.
Even if Dangerfield were alive, he'd be in his eighties - they wouldn't let him fly a passenger jet!
Maybe he's in disguise. People aren't always what they seem Matt.
I shake my head in disbelief.
What? Am I wrong? Just look at Ava Moore or Quentin Costa.
You can't use examples from a show you write to prove things about real life!
Well then I'll prove it another way.
He leans over and interrupts Hayter's monologue.
David. We need to settle this. We need someone to sneak into the cockpit and get a look at the pilot.
What's that to me?
Hayter replies. He takes a cigarette from his jacket, taps it against the back of his hand, and places it in his mouth. No more than a beat passes before a stewardess appears beside him.
I'm sorry sir, but you can't smoke that here.
He takes the unlit cigarette from his mouth.
I can't forget the past either, but it wont stop me from trying.
She gasps and turns her eyes away from Hayter.
Hayter: What is it?
It's just... you reminded me of someone...
she replies,
Someone from another life...
She stops. Ok. So now we can get back to this stupid Dangerfield thi-
When I was a little girl, I lived in Panama with my family. We weren't rich, but it was a good life. Then... everything changed.
Hayter: Everything changed?
I turn to Ryan and whisper my frustration.
Goddammit! Can't we just skip this somehow and get back to what we were doing?
Ryan: Ssh! This could be important!
Important! How? What does this have to do with anything... I found myself wishing I was still sitting up with Busta, but that thought was soon put to rest when I heard him shouting at Kelsey:
Dammit Frasier! Yum Cimil ain't no goddamn deity - he's a motherf***** ET!
I sink a little into my chair and listen to the stewardess' story. Twenty minutes later she leaves and we're back on course.
Ryan: Come on David. You're the only one who could sneak up there and get into the cockpit unnoticed.
Hayter: I didn't say I couldn't do it. I said I wouldn't.
Ryan: Come on! We need to know if Rodney Dangerfield is still alive!
As if on cue the intercom crackles and we hear the pilot's voice.
Hey there. You folks down the back can look out right about now and get your last glimpse of the U.S. At this distance the only thing you'll be able to make out is my wife's rear end. I ain't lying! My wife's got such a fat ass that everytime she swims in the sea, Holland sinks! I tell ya, when we visited Sydney, we had folks asking why they put lycra pants on the Opera House. Huhuhuh... what a world!
Ryan is gesturing furiously,
Ryan: Come on guys! It's gotta be him!
I turn to Hayter.
Would you go check? He wont shut up about this otherwise.
Hayter stares into space for the longest time... He looks like he's stopped breathing. Then,
Ok. I'll do it.
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than he rolls out of his seat into the aisle, landing flat on his front. His scurries away at a fast crawl.
So now we'll see.
Ryan says. I nod. The whole thing is too ridiculous to talk about, so I try to change the subject.
You said you're doing some research for nip/tuck?
Ryan holds up a finger, telling me to wait, and turns to get something out of his bag. He produces a folded up page and hands it to me.
Check this out Matt.
I unfold it and stare at the picture printed on the page.
Pretty impressive, huh?
...Not exactly how I'd describe it... Where did you get this?
It's a copy of an old Japanese wood cut. This artist is unknown but this piece inspired generations of those who followed him. Shugestu the First couldn't have done half his work without this guy.
He's completely in awe of the picture I'm holding (at a distance) in front of me.
I mean. Look at this! Look at how he's captured the details. It's like we're there... Watching.
I'd rather not examine the picture any closer, but Ryan starts enthusiastically pointing out the features of the scene. Without being too explicit about it, it was a picture of a Japanese woman... together with... an octopus.
I mean, do you see what this means?
Ryan asks eagerly.
Uh... I'm not so sure I... get it.
Matt. This print is over 300 years old! People back home are only discovering squid play now! The Japanese are literally centuries ahead of us when it comes to this stuff. Think of how much they have to teach us!
He sits in silence for a moment. Admiring the scene.
I mean, he's got like six free tentacles - the possibilities are endless!
Yeah... so, you wanna put this in your show?
You bet! The carver storyline was a real downer for some folks last year. I wanna remind people of what nip/tuck is really about... So you wanna see some more?
Before I can answer Ryan grabs some loose pages from his bag and starts sorting through them quickly.
There's a couple here you gotta see... One in particular. It reminds me, do you know any actresses who can dislocate their-
Kelsey!
I call out, seeing the X3 star coming down the aisle.
Kelsey: Ah Matthew! I think fortune has shone fairer on you regarding our relative seating arrangements. Mr Rhymes seems rather intent on painting a grim picture of things to come. I managed to excuse myself before he went into anymore detail as to how his alien terrors will do away with us.
Me: No kidding Kelse. Busta's pretty out there. Say, do you know Ryan?
I introduce them.
Ryan: So what's taking you to Japan?
Kelsey: Ah... once the frozen droplets from Ama-no-Nuboko have left their mark upon you, it's hard to stay away.
He smiles to himself for a moment.
Kelsey: After all, who could resist the country that produced the gentle soul of Ono no Komachi. She and her timeless poetry...
Yumeji ni wa
ashi mo yasumezu
kayoedomo
utsutsu ni hitome
mishigoto wa arazu...
Ryan: You speak Japanese?
Kelsey: Ha! Well, I muddle through. In answer to your question though, I've recently agreed to endorse a rather reliable brand of automotive insurance. Always a pleasure to be of service to Japanese motorists... and I might add that it's quite a lucrative side line to my thespian pursuits.
Kelsey nudges Ryan and they both laugh - He lost me after gentle soul. I'm about to ask what the joke is when Hayter comes running out of nowhere, slides past Kelsey, and disappears into the toilet.
A moment later a man comes charging down the aisle - The air marshall. He begins a thorough search, passing each row and looking back and forth. After checking most of first class, he stops, looks up absent-mindedly, and begins walking back to the front of the cabin. The toilet flushes. Ryan and I look at each other, then at the air marshall, who asks quietly,
Huh? What was that noise?
He turns and slowly walks towards the toilet. Crouching slightly, he prepares to force the door open. He pushes it and jerks back in surprise on seeing Hayter inside. There's a flurry of awkward motion, Hayter making several attempts at some kind of choke hold, before pushing away and running back towards the cockpit.
With the air marshall still recovering it looks like Hayter is gonna make it! Ryan and I are both on our feet now, trying to get a better view. I figure Ryan is hoping to get a look into the cockpit when Hayter opens the-
Out of nowhere Busta stands up and creams Hayter with a rigid clothesline! Hayter's neck stops dead against Busta's forearm but the rest of his body flys onward. He completes three quarters of a somersault before landing heavily on his neck. Busta delivers a swift kick to Hayter, who makes no reaction.
Busta: I have had it with these motherf***** ******** on this motherf***** plane! Everybody sit down and shut the hell up, less you wanna get flipped like this ass****.
He points down at Hayter, nudging him with his foot. At this point I'm almost sure he's dead. Kelse, clearly worried for himself, returns to his seat beside Busta. The air marshall gets to his feet and quickly drags Hayter out of view.
Huh...
Ryan says.
Yeah.
I reply. We sit in silence for a moment...
So anyway Matt, you gotta check out these ones.
He begins shuffling through his papers again.
I lost some of the good stuff when my computer was seized, but you gotta roll with the punches, am I right? I'm thinking we could have seven guys doing something like this one during a surgery scene - you know, in the background...
I take a deep breath and look at my watch. Only twelve hours to Tokyo...