3.11.2006
The 78th Annual Academy Awards (part one)
So the Oscars are over. The whole thing went off without a hitch... or so it would seem to those who don't know what really went on during the show. If you've managed to remain in your seat during the explosive rollercoster ride that has been the past few weeks of Matt Evans' life, then you'll know that there's more to the Oscars than meets the eye.A couple days before the ceremony I'm on my way to Mickey Keaton's place. I'm there to meet the crew that he's assembled. Mickey and I base jump once a month with Denzel Washington - and if you can't trust your fellow base jumpers to watch your back, who can you trust? You see, the Zelman was all lined up to present the award for Best Animated Feature when people started putting pressure on him. First they screw around with our parachutes, then a week later they cut the brake leads on Z's car. Luckily he was able to drive into a mall and use the shoppers to slow himself down. If Z didn't read out the right name on the night, he wouldn't live to talk about it. Problem was, with only a few days to go, he still didn't know who was behind the attacks.
Bottom line: Mickey and I had decided to get a crew together and keep an eye on things during the show. Whatever that involved. Mickey hadn't told me yet who he'd asked to help, but I was sure he'd have made some good calls.
If you've ever been to Mickey Keaton's house, you'll have seen it's a classy place. If Mickey trusts you enough, then you'll have seen the exact replica of the Bat Cave carved out of the bedrock below it. We're sitting down there, reviewing the information we have so far. The Best Animated Feature category has 3 nominees:
- Howl's Moving Castle - Hayao Miyazaki
- The Corpse Bride - Tim Burton and Mike Johnson
- Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were Rabbit - Nick Park and Steve Box
Well Tim's out,
he says,
I've known him for years. No way would he use these sort of tactics to win a goddamn award.
I nod. I didn't know Tim Burton that well, but we'd once been trapped together in Los Angeles Zoo after some of the big cats got out of their cages. It's a long story I don't want to get into now, but after that, I have to say that I trust Tim Burton.
That narrows it down to Miyazaki and the English guys.
We talk it over some more. Mickey points out that Miyazaki's won before; maybe he's developed a taste for it... on the other hand I've never met an Englishman who didn't try to screw me over somehow. We tried to look at it from every angle, but weren't any closer to solving the mystery when the first of Mickey's crew arrives.
The elevator door rotates open and a familiar figure steps out, followed by a Mexican carrying a golf bad. Mickey introduces me,
Matt Evans, I'd like you to meet Jack Nicholson.
I step forward to shake his hand. He pauses and looks me straight in the eye.
Matt. I'm a complete asshole.
I don't know what to say. He's deadly serious. Then he shakes my hand.
Pleased to meet you Matt. This is Pablo, my caddie. He's a goddamn caddying genius - knows the club for any situation.
I nod to Pablo, turn back to Jack.
What's up with the asshole thing? Helluva way to introduce yourself.
Court order. Last time I was up on charges for assault the judge decided a fine wouldn't cut the mustard. For the past 4 months I've had to tell everyone I meet that I'm a complete asshole... Works a charm with the ladies.
He smiles. Mickey cuts in.
Jack knows the Oscars inside out. More nominations than any other man. In the front row every year. They have so much stock footage of him they'll be able to cover if we all disappear for an hour or two during the ceremony...
I nod. The plan was starting to come together. I'm just about to ask who's the next member of the crew when the elevator opens again.
Holy crap!
I exclaim,
Tony Almeida!
It's Carlos Bernard - the actor who plays Jack Bauer's right hand man in 24. I turn to Mickey,
You got Tony Almeida? Good call!
Mickey leans closer and whispers to me,
Yeah. I wanted to get Keifer, but I couldn't reach him. The guy's disappeared.
You haven't heard? Keifer was visiting with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins two weeks back. You know Tim - an average conversation with the guy's got more swear words than Biggie Smalls' eulogy. Keifer catchs sight of Tim's swear jar - A nickel for every s***, a dime for every f***, a quarter for every c***, and $1.75 in change for every ***** ****** ********. I guess Keifer remarks on how full it is. Of course, Sarandon challenges him to a change drinking contest. Keifer, still harboring the never-say-die attitude of the Brat Pack, accepts. He's didn't stand a chance.
Mickey's shocked.
Is he alright?
Let's just say that next season on 24, he might have to combat terrorism without standing up a whole lot.
Carlos joins us. Jack steps forward,
I'm a complete asshole. It's good to meet you Tony.
My name's not Tony, it's Carlos.
Jack turns to us, puzzled.
Why are you calling this guy Tony?
He's Tony Almeida from TV's 24.
Jack turns back.
Seems like they wanna call you Tony.
Well, my names Carlos so I guess they'll have to settle for that.
Still staring at Carlos/Tony Jack speaks again,
Pablo. This guys looks 5'8'', maybe 5'9''. Whaddaya say?
Pablo looks Carlos/Tony up and down.
I'd say go for the 7 iron Mr. Nicholson.
Jack nods, and moves over to collect the club. Carlos/Tony is a little freaked out.
What? Hold up. What's going on?... You know.. maybe Tony's ok. You guys can call me Tony.
It was settled. Tony Almeida was on board.
The rest of the crew were introduced without the same difficulty. The Hoogle was gonna be our tech-guy, running the show from the Keaton Cave. And the seventh member of the team was Reese Witherspoon. It wasn't really clear what skills she brought to the mix (she was never Batman, never ran CTU, never served in a forward area), but Nicholson seemed happy about her. Once we were all there Mickey laid out the plan. All that was left to do was wait.
The night before the Oscars. I tried to get some sleep, but it was hard not to think about the ceremony. Eventually I drifted off - but not for long. I wake up suddenly. It's pitch black but I have the feeling someone's watching me. A feeling I hadn't had since the hidden cameras were removed from my apartment building - Didn't find out until after I moved in, but Willy Baldwin had set up the system for research when he was getting ready to shoot Sliver. After the picture he didn't have any need for them anymore so he told his brother Stephen to dismantle the whole thing. Couple months ago Stephen finally gets around to doing it. Why did it take him 12 years to do it? I dunno... Can't say I want to either.
Anyway, I feel like I'm being watched. Suddenly there's a motion at the end of the bed.
Who's there?
I say. No answer. My mind races trying to come up with who would want to sneak into Matt Evans' bedroom in the middle of the night. I come up with a list of about 30 names - this all in the nanosecond before I reach and turn on my Conan the Destroyer bedside lamp/talking alarm clock (I usually don't go in for movie merchandise, but this is a quality lamp).
Lou Diamond Phillips!?
It was Lou Diamond Phillips. He wasn't on the list... In fact, there weren't any men on the list.
Louie. What are you doing here man?
I'm not Lou Diamond Phillips.
I'm puzzled. This guy is clearly Lou Diamond Phillips.
Sure you are! I watched Extreme Justice on DVD last Tuesday. I'd recognise the face of Jeff Powers anywhere.
I'm not Jeff Powers either.
You don't remember!? Come on: "Imagine a world where you can draw your weapon when you want... and you don't have to yell police til you pick your spot."
He takes a step closer. I sit up in bed.
My name is Jose Chavez y Chavez.
...That was your character's name in Young Guns, and later in Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory.
Not a character Matt. I am Jose Chavez y Chavez. Matt, I am your spirit guide.
At this point, I'm pretty confused.
What's a spirit guide?
A person, or sometimes an animal, that comes from the spirit world to help you in your time of need. You and I Matt have a deep connection that goes beyond this material plane. Together we will go on a vision quest, to try and find the answers you seek.
Will it take long? The Oscars are on tomorrow.
Time is what we make of it.
...Ok. Let's do this.
I ask Jose to turn around while I get dressed - deep connection beyond this plane or not, the Evans' goods aren't on public display.
So let me ask you this: Are you Jose Chavez y Chavez, the character from Young Guns come to life by some kind of Native American/Last Action Hero style magic, or are you the spirit of the guy that the character was based on? And if it's the second one, how come you look like Lou Diamond Phillips?
I'm not sure I follow-
You know what was cool? Remember when you guys were holed up in that place, and they shout in "Just send out the Injun!", so Billy puts your coat on some douche and kicks his ass out the door, then they shoot him to pieces?
Yeah. Good times.
Jose fills me in a little more on the whole spirit guide/vision quest deal. He says I'm not supposed to reveal the identity of my spirit guide to anyone, but when I asked him about it he said they didn't have a specific rule for blogs.
Ok Jose. Where do we go firs-
Mid-sentence the door to my bedroom slams open, and a massive figure stands there holding a... broadsword.
Holy s***!
I cry,
It's the Kurgan!
I grab Jose by the arm and pull him out of the way as the giant figure comes charging into the room. I rush us out the window and onto the fire escape. When I turn around I see that the Kurgan has taken no notice of us. He's just trashing my place with his broadsword.
Awww! Not my Conan alarm clock-lamp!
Matt! What's going on? Who is this person?
I turn to him, surprised.
You don't recognise him? Haven't you seen Highlander?
He shakes his head.
Goddammit Jose! He's the Kurgan. The strongest of all the immortals. He's the perfect warrior. If he wins the Prize, mortal man would suffer an eternity of darkness.
Oh.
We turn back. He's just wrecking the place and laughing it up. After a couple minutes Jose speaks.
You know Matt, I don't think this is such a great vision quest. Maybe we should climb these stairs and think things over. The peace of the rooftop may do us good.
Maybe you're right Jose. Some bad s*** could go down at the Oscars tomorrow, and I want my head in the right place for it all.
He nods, and turns to head up the fire escape. Just then I hear a familiar noise. I stop Jose.
Did you hear that?
We both listen, but can't hear anything strange (over the sounds of my furniture being torn apart and the Kurgan shouting "Finally the Gathering is here!")
I don't hear it Matt.
Ssh! There it is again... I know what that sound is! Jose, we're not going to the roof - we have got to stay and see this.
No sooner have I finished speaking when the quiet purring grows louder, and a figure appears from out of the air behind Jose. Jose turns, freezes, and whispers to me.
Matt... What is that?
I whisper back,
Come on Jose? Is Young Guns the only movie you know anything about? It's a Predator! Man, you'd love that movie - there's an Indian in it and everything.
The creature steps forward, and looks us up and down. A tense moment passes as three red dots of light pass slowly across Jose's features and then mine. Satisfied we're no threat, he turns and jumps through the open window. The Kurgan stops and faces him.
Oh man! Kurgan versus Predator - this is gonna be the best vision quest ever!
Matt, I'm not sure that-
Before he finishes the Kurgan and the Predator charge at one another and start to brawl... It's everything I'd hoped for and more! They're throwing each other all over the place - my room's a complete junkyard at this stage, but it's worth it. The K-man manages to get a clean swipe with his sword and next thing you know, the Predator's hand is flying across the room. I turn to Jose to check if he's enjoying it and see he's been covered with flecks of green blood. Once he sees he has my attention he starts talking again,
Matt! This isn't going to help you understa-
Hold up Jose, I've got a call.
I answer my cell phone. It's Jay Lowe, the Puerto Rican transvestite that lives across the hall. He's calling cos he's heard the noise from his place.
No, no Jay. It's fine.... The Kurgan is fighting a Predator in my bedroom, it's KvP man!!... no, the Kurgan... from Highlander... Highlander one - he was the guy that killed Ramirez... Yeah, Sean Connery... No he did. He killed him... I know, I know, but Ramirez did die in the first film... ... It's a kind of magic!
Before I finish the call the Kurgan comes flying through the window, knocks the phone out of my hand, tumbles over the railing, and lands horribly on the street below. The Predator joins us outside. Jose turns to him and says,
Well done.
The Predator looks at him. I guess he didn't understand... which makes me realise what comes next isn't going to be easy to communicate. I speak slower, and a little louder, so he can understand me:
He wont die.... unless you... se-par-ate.... his head.... from his bo-dy....
He cocks his head at angle. He wasn't getting it. I try miming the actions, pretending to remove my own head - but then stop when I realise he might take me up wrong and decapitate me. I give up. The Predator shrugs and turns away, looking down to where the Kurgan landed... but the Kurgan isn't there anymore.
Oh come on! That always annoyed me about Highlander - there's no set time for how long it takes them to come back to life.
Jose nods, though I'm sure he's pretty confused at this stage. The Predator leaps off the fire escape and starts searching the street below frantically. We watch, unable to do anything, as a car comes screeching around the corner - driven by the Kurgan - and slams into the Predator.
Ouch! It'll take some scrubbing to get all that green off the hood.
The car, Predator laid out on the hood careens around another corner and is gone. We stand in silence for a moment before heading back into my apartment.
That's not really how a vision quest is supposed to go, Matt. I'm sorry you didn't learn anything to help you with your trials tomorrow.
I'm stunned.
Are you kidding me Jose? After seeing all that I feel ready for anything.
Really? You do?
I do.
Huh... Well, I guess my work here is done. Next time you need anything-
Can you do one of those what-the-world-would-be-like-if-I'd-never-been-alive vision deals? Might be a kick to get a look at that hellhole!
No, that's really more of a guardian angel thing.
Shame.
We say our farewells, and I go back to sleep in what's left of my bed. Next morning I wake up, and everything is back to normal - the door hasn't been kicked in, there's no green blood stains on the rug... No trace of last nights brawl... except: My Conan the Destroyer lamp/talking alarm clock is in pieces on the floor. The battery slowly dying as phrases from the 1984 classic are played out:
Why are they trying to kill us?
Maybee dey vant too kapcha uss, and torcha uss too deth!
My phone rings. It's Mickey Keaton.
Matt. Are you ready?
he asks. I wait a moment, listening to Conan's final words of wisdom:
Conan, rule Shatezar with me.
I havv my ohwn keengdum, my ohwn kveen.
The battery dies.
I'm ready Mickey.
To be continued...